What to do about love?

You know there are those feelings that happen when you meet that guy?
You know the can't wait to see if he calls! Oh my phone is ringing I wonder if it is him? Oh girls come on you all have been there the first two weeks were you literally float above the ground, you have a perma smile, and your heart stops when he walks in the room.
This is the feeling the drive if you will for all of us girls who are searching for that can't breathe, live, or function without you love that we watch on t.v., read about in books, and I swear have it rubbed in our faces at every turn!
Now having loved, been lost in love, crushed in love, and revived by love I must say there is still that want and that drive to have that one truly perfect and selfless love that can only be compared to two relationships I have witnessed in my life: My Grandma, and Grandpa Patterson. and the love I have with my children.
You see my grandparents had a love that really was one of not movies fairy tales, but damn close! They fought, laughed, cried, suffered, and wanted for nothing more. To watch them was amazing. They were far different than my parents. They were in it forever! They took those vows and by God they meant them. Now this is not to say that they always were all wine and roses, but it was a love that could be felt simply by watching them. And when my grandmother passed unexpectedly my grandfather willed himself to join her shortly afterwards. His quote still brings tears to my eyes "I have nothing left to live for with her gone, I am done. I had a good life and now I am done." This really summed it up for me. I was 26 and pregnant with my youngest, and it stuck with me.
It was like this. Sometimes we love, sometimes we think that the one we love cares and then one day we wake up and find ourselves in love and alone. I changed this the day I sat in a car driving with my baby sister drinking coffee, and dishing about my anger towards the relationship in which I had invested all that I was, and realized with her strength I could leave it! You see she had that vibrancy for life, that want for adventure, and a strength that I remember at one point had. She was a mirror I couldn't turn away from, and how could I look at her someday or my daughters for that matter and tell them that if they were unhappy, treated bad, or plain just unappreciated they couldn't leave and that they had to stay!
This is a bit of the past before the journey of my new life.
I don't count the first few months after leaving, they are a blur of fear, tears, and panic. But when I finally surfaced from the ashes I found me. I found I was strong. I could do what I set out to do. I could love my children and myself and not feel guilty for this. I could choose what I wanted to do, and it was empowering! To say that there wasn't tears and pain is like saying that raising children is easy! But I found that I could be alone. Me alone! I could be happy with just my life, my thoughts and even with no body there.
When this happen so did love. A friend at first, a confidant if you will when the divorce got scary, when the stress was too much, or when the kids could have very well drove me over the edge. It was at first the feeling that I wasn't alone, that someone else was hurting too and could sit and listen offer advice and even aid in making me smile for a while.
The scary part was the fear of the unknown. What if one invests themselves into a person and once again is alone? Could I do this? To say it was easy would be a lie. I will say this, I was broken as far as love goes. Trust was not an option, and releasing myself to feel for another was scary as all hell to me. Thus it remained unlabeled, unspoken, and just a if you will safe place for awhile.
How is it when you feel balanced for the first time in your life you can feel as if you take one step you could very well fall off a cliff and may very well not recover?
There were nights, and days that this was my biggest fear and constant thought. Still to this day I worry about the what if, but instead of it being what if I take that step, it is the what if since I took the step I get left all alone?
You see my safety net is well me. What if I ruin me by finding I am all alone?
The man I am with is caring, loving, supportive, funny, and the best man in my children's life! He took a look at me and the babies and he just took us all in his arms, life, and heart. To say he was ready to be a father to four children would be really a funny little question. You see he had never had children and tho he had been married they never got babies. And yet he didn't even flinch when he met my lil ones. From the beginning it was always about the babies. If they were happy he was happy. If they were in danger he was going to protect them. And when faced with the question of forever he was all in.
With these facts I have decided this. I am in love. I am still me. I am still the girl that was scarred, hurt, and broken. But slowly with patience, time, and love I am working towards a love that will be forever. Not with the same jaded views as before, but with the reality that what life is and what love is depends on you. You control who you let in, and what you let happen, if you are happy invest in your happiness, if you are sad take away those that cause this, and if you are unhappy change it. It took years for me to leave a bad relationship but when I finally saw the light I was ready to go all in with nothing to catch me.

Oh God Where to Begin????

You know how you will have one of those days, where everything is going good? Better than good even , Great? Well that was my Thursday. I was so excited to get to go to Billings with my man. My bff was watching my Lil guy (he just loves her everly so so much!).
All went great in Billing's too, got to have a nice lunch out, get stuff for the kids bunk beds, and groceries. Came home with not a hiccup, put things away and heck we had made it home before the babies even got out of school! Like I said it was a super day!
Then WHAM!!!! Just like that my perfect day changed in the matter of seconds. On my way to get my Lil guy I was hit. My car god bless it's Lil heart got all sorts of jacked up around that phone pole, and well me let's just say not doing all together that great.
I ended up being in the ER, and got to meet our emergency response team here in Red Lodge. I must say this though. Out of all of the pain, and the shock, well I felt safe. The first responder was one of my children's teacher's and she was able to crack jokes about having clean panties and that my hair looked great!
The paramedic's well they were AWESOME!!! Those guys and gal were just fabulous, they kept me calm as they could, and the best part was that all of them were soooooo caring! The officer's from the city were great, and a big thanks to those city cops for taking care of my car and the towing details, (I am as girl as they get and those guys made it all work!).
To the fire dept. guys thank you for taking my sick and well probably nervous humor in stride, and thank you for telling me that my hair looked ok even with the neck brace!
To my ER nurses, and doctor, and xray tech thank you! You guy's were with me the longest and had to answer all my stupid questions and deal with my whining about pain.
In the end, well I am carless, I hurt like a mother trucker, but I am counting my blessing's that my Lil guy wasn't in the car nor were any of my other children.

Halloween!

Well Halloween is over and it was a blast! Everyone look great in their costumes, and the kids had a wonderful time with their favorite auntie and uncle and the big kids had a really good time at my party!
I was so excited about dressing up as a cop and the fact that the costume came with handcuffs as an accessory was well just the BESTEST!! I was able to arrest all of my friends and take pictures which well that was just fun!
I was so happy all of the people that I invited came! The turnout was amazing, and it was just great to surrounded by all of my friends. Joe was surprised at how many people came and I had to explain to him that it was because I am super fun and charming and entertaining to boot so Hello why wouldn't they want to come lol
Joe was way surprised by the birthday cake that I made him, which if I do say so myself was pretty flippen sweet! All in all it was a great first Halloween for me and I plan on doing it again next year :)

Halloween 2010

OK folks here is the dealioso. I first of all well to put it plainly lived a pretty sheltered non living existence for 12 years with the Frog Prince so to say the least EVERYTHING IS NEW!!!
This is going to be the first Halloween that I have ever dressed up!!!! Oh ya and guess what I get to throw a bangin birthday/costume party for Joe!! I am everly so excited!
You see this is the first year were I am able to actually participate in the whole Halloween thing, and in true demented by Martha Stewart form I am doing it up!!! Now don't get me wrong I have always worked hard to make sure my babies got to get candy and dress up, and tho last year was a hard one for us the kids did have fun. But this year we are blessed with having a wonderful man in our lives that is full on into making it all about the babies, and having a good time.
Plus his birthday is Halloween! So of course with the new found freedom, as well as the support of Joe I have decided to dress up, and throw that man a party too! He doesn't know it but we are going to have a costume birthday party that quite frankly will be amazing!
I have made him a graveyard birthday cake adorned with head stones and a candy corn fence and can't wait to see his face when he see's me in my wait for it..... Cop Costume!!!!! Ya I am dressing up as a cop cuffs' and all! But you all know me I had to accessorize it with my sweet blue heels that I found with miss Alison in Cali!
So to say the least after a night of making caramel corn, meat ball hordevors, and the birthday cake I am fit to be tied for it to hit 7!!!! We are going to have my bff's sweet apple pie drink, beer, beer, oh and did I mention beer? And because my lil sis rock's she and her lover are taking the kiddos trick o' treating! Basically the sun is shining, I am having an amazing hair day and tonight is going to rock!
Happy Halloween to my Peeps!

I can't believe she said that!!!!

Now there are many things that even as an adult I have to sit back and wonder sometimes "Did I say that out loud??" Many people who know and love me will tell you that I am a talker. (Guilty) Others will tell you that there are those moments in a conversation with me that they sit there and go "Where in the world did she come up with that!" You see part of my fly by the seat of my pants attitude is that I am extremely honest, often say it as I see it and well that's just me.
I often have come up with my own phrases for different situations, people, etc. Some well are a little colorful, and others are due to the fact that I can't cuss in front of little ears, which lets be honest with four Lil ones that is all the time! So I have come up with phrases such as "Mother Trucker", "He is such an Aerosol", well you get the jest. Plus as a mother that I am positive that I have entered into the Twilight Zone and I am positive my children are being taken over by aliens! So when faced with these moments I have come to say things like "You are three keystrokes from being put on Craig's List!" or "When I find the man that is dealing you pixie sticks he is so going down!" You see the key to parenting as a single is HUMOR! Without humor or sarcasm I truly don't think me or my children would survive.
So if you are ever in the presence of me with my four orbiting planets and think that you are in shock or questioning whether or not I just told my daughter that her acting out with a tantrum is "Jacked up like polio" You are not mis hearing anything you are simply hearing me take my situation and laugh it off.
Because without humor we would never laugh, and without sarcasm we would all be far to literal for our own good!

National Single Girls Holiday

So it is coming up the holiday that Hallmark has created! Yup Valentines! Oh what a day when you are in love and sooooooooo happy in your little world of happy endings and candle light. But when it is just you one has a complete different view. You see this is the day that those that are alone get to see it right in their face that they are lonely in love.
I mean really what is so great about being alone on this day? Its not like you can tell your girlfriend's that are gushing about the roses, candy, and lil somethings that their men have done for them that you got to spend the night crying at Sleepless in Seattle, while drowning your sorrow's with cheap wine, and Chinese! Its bad enough that the entire week to V day (AKA D day) with everyone and their brother trying to fix you up with someone so your not the Lone Ranger!
Now in my past with the super awesome Frog Prince I was often just dreading the lack of interest or even acknowledgement of this day. But this year it shall be me and my lil monkeys. So do I just sit and wish? Or do I make the move to try to salvage this holiday by making it something for myself?
As a mother of four the prospects of flowers and candy are limited to the ones my lil babies draw me, and the candy I swipe from their loot bags! Don't judge me! Those lil kidlins make out pretty good on this holiday! The least they can do is throw mama a kit kat.
Plus I don't think sitting and wallowing in self pity helps a thing! I mean granted it is the holiday of romance and love, but what if you are not in love or being loved? What kind of card could I get myself? I mean Hallmark doesn't make the "Sorry you're a loser and have nobody" with a cute heart and a lonely woman! Plus buying yourself a card is probably a little bit more on the lame note anyway!
Or should I just wear a shirt that says "SINGLE". Oh ya the attention that I would get from that would surely send me head first into suicide watch!
So to the other singles I hope you dine out with your babies, eat candy, and count those sweet sentimental blessings that you are looking at on this holiday. Remember the good times and laugh at the ridiculous!

What in the World is Wrong with these Women!!

Ok today I was amazed to hear that once again another woman is in the news for the involvement with her boyfriends drug dealings. Now she was trying to say that she had no idea that he was doing this, but what I love is the fact that she herself was stealing the prescription meds from work that he was dealing!
To make matters even better she had one of her amazing friends call and yell at a radio dj about his commentary on this event! Stating that she just didn't know what was going on!
Now all of you that know me know this is something that just was a topic that I so had to call in on. So being the girl I am I called and commented on the sheer idiocy of this woman. First you can't tell me she didn't know what was going on when she was the distributor of the product! I mean come on girls we need to look at these woman that are not acting like woman and take a stand!
How many times must the independent and strong women listen to another tale of how another one of us fell victim to a man? Just once I would like a girl say "Yep, I was stupid, he was a great kisser and I gave into the idea" Hell at least then we would be able to say , Oh I so have been there!
As a mother of three girls I often want to install attributes in their core that creates a woman who is independent, smart, and logical! Why is it some of us strive to survive, and others strive to find someone to live through?
So to all you girls that have fallen pray to these so called diabolical men, remember it takes you saying yes for you to get into trouble!

Chinese Take Out = Quality Bonding

As a child there really was very little time spent with my mother, so as a mommy of four I have made this a Huge Priority. Even as a single mommy, I still make sure that there is a little time each day so that I can catch up with each of the lil monkey's.
But one of my absolute favorite times of the day is when we all eat dinner together. Call me crazy but I love the conversation, laughing, and bonding that we are all able to do with each other over dinner. Tonight due to a long week we took a vote and decided on Chinese Takeout/Movie Night. This was a great idea and we loved it! Between the laughing over the lil man inhaled his sweet and sour pork, and the 411 on why Rori is positive that Santa will be bringing her a Barbie, I was able to catch up with my lil Boo. She informed me that she loves Soy Sauce, still wants the Lil dipper for Christmas, and how she just love love loves Chinese food!
And you know I am sooooo with that girl! She knows what she likes, wants, and loves, and that is often more than most adults know about themselves! I mean it wasn't til just recently I was able too really grasp onto what I want, like, and love!
Its really just another incident of when the my children are often teaching me not the other way around!