Inspirations from All Around

Sorry blog readers with the job, the babies, and the impending school year starting up I have had absolutely no time on my hands to spare!

But here is a little tidbit for those that follow my crazy little blog:)

Its funny how when faced with all the new events that there is one thing that seems to be at the core of all and that is FAMILY! Oh how in this crazy world we often find that there is a such a importance placed on money, work, and well social events. When did we replace dinner around the table in the evening with dinner on the run? Or how we counted family time as when we shuttle the children back and forth to activities? It is so seldom that you here couples talk about how they went camping with the kids, or decided to take a impromptu fishing trip for fun, or well even family night is so often not even a notion.

I find that the glue to our family is the presence of my husband to be. You see he takes it upon himself to make time for those family outings. From spontaneous "We are going dirt biking" texts, to meet me at the house we are all going to the lake for a dinner BBQ. You see it is the key to any family that both partners are equals in the family. When one is working it falls on the other partner to try to make the children the main priority and to well create memories too.

Why is it in our daily conversations are we hearing well my husband is off with his friends, or well my wife is out with the girls. I am not saying that outings as adults isn't needed, lord knows a girls night/ boys night is often our sanity keepers for parents. But when your social agenda takes precedence over your family one must wonder were that in fact leaves the family?

So I put out this challenge to you mothers/fathers : Make a point this week to do one thing with just you and your kiddos, One thing with just you and your spouse, and One thing with the entire family.

Sweet Memories

Oh mommies all around the world know that there are those sweet sweet memories that we all hold dear to our hearts with our children. Who would have thought though that my sweet ShelbyLee has kept her very own memories of her moments with me!

Last night among the laughing and chiding each other while she made cookie brownies, and I played Sushi on her Ipod we did what we often do and just laughed! Oh ladies nothing is more precious to me than the ability I have to sit and just laugh with my daughter. Much to my surprise she apparently has a soft heart like her mama with the memories she keeps.

After stuffing ourselves with treats which were insanely yummy! We ended up on the floor in her room, sounds silly but well we are notorious for popping a squat on the floor in any and every room in our home. So it was during this sit session we were going through things in her room and as always this girl just floors me with her humor, sincerity, and utter awesomeness that she exudes! Of course there were the note books full of notes, and doodles from school, the funny memories she had from different classes with friends and you know teenage girl talk. I love being able to sit and laugh and trade stories with her its something that well needs to happen with mothers and daughters.

While going through all her little treasures I notice the cheetah duct tape that she made me a purse out of last summer, and she says "Oh ya I keep that because you were so excited that I made you something from duct tape." Then she pulls out the folded piece of paper that had all of the different types of chocolate's on it , and says "Ya that was the first time you bought us something fancy! We had just lived in our new apartment for 2 weeks and you surprised me with fancy chocolates, I was so excited mom! It meant a lot that you bought those because well it was a hard time for us" Ladies, I will say this I was stunned! You see I remember this purchase because I was working 3 jobs, and just picked up a waitressing job at a hotel restaurant in town and paid for those chocolates with a $10 and over $13 in ones! It was a big splurge for us, and yet after watching my oldest working so hard to be helpful and watching her siblings while I was working those 3 jobs she was so positive! So I decided that with the tips I made that day I was going to get us a treat. What was surprising is she recognized that this was a purchase that was frivolous and sooooo out of our immediate budget and cherished it as such.
She then pulled out a tube of lip gloss, and said "Ya and this was the lip gloss you got me when we went to Billings for a movie, and dinner out! It was sooo fun and you just had to work 1 job so we had time to go and do things on Fridays together"
Here is the thing. While going through the move, the divorce, the new home, bills etc I thought that through it all I was keeping things well as Normal as I could, truth be told it was the worst first 8 months of our lives. From not having money, having more expenses then ever, and trying to help four little ones to adjust from a stay at home mom to a full time single parent with 3 jobs to say it rocked their world is a gross understatement. It killed us all and well it means the world to me that she took those little steps ahead that we made and kept them close.
You see often we wear blinders during the storm and if you only look beside you there are those that love you right there.

Quad Shot with Big Gulp Straw!!!!

Its got a BIG GULP STRAW!!!

So there are those days in which you may think you very well might die with out the aid of a good quad shot or heck just go for the straight IV of caffeine! Today was one of those days. You see I am an addict to the show Deadliest Catch (don't judge) and well I found myself sucked into a full on marathon of this Lil gem of a show last night til wee hours in the a.m. 2:45 to be exact. Add the fact my favorite show was on, and my guy was everly so great and served me wine with the marathon and well one of two things can happen bad headache in the a.m. and lack of sleep makes mama mean :) Have I ever mentioned the fact that I am a self proclaimed caffeine addict? Oh well I am. You see some people go through the whole denial phase of addiction I on the other hand grab the triple shot with both hands and drink like my life depends on it! Ya me and the Adkins folks would not be besti's.

To say the least this morning was well best to be described as torture, with a long WalHell checkout line matched with two screaming toddlers. You get the analogy folks it was not a photo perfect event, and quite frankly I was like Chelsea Handler minus her midget and vodka! So while trying to function on the house coffee aka sorry excuse for the real deal! I mean really ladies when you like your shot o' espresso the whole house coffee is really like being told Sprite is the same as Diet Coke, a lie and a sorry excuse for the real thing. Now my little brain was proclaiming war on me and rightfully so it needed sleep and so did the body, so getting the hair all fantabulous was like looking for a bikini after a four day eat all you want buffet, time consuming and you feel disgusting after the third trip to the dessert line.

Truthfully the getting dressed part was really going to become optional if I thought for one second I could get away with sporting my boxers and tank to the work place. I mean come on I would add some necklaces, a fun ring, heck I would Polly Anna the hell out of the ensemble if it meant I didn't have to get dressed! Alas the world was not going to understand my sweet dress code today so a skirt, heels, top, and jewelry had to happen. (i know, i know, i was bummed too)

Now after what can only be compared to the feeling of getting ready for the Apocalypse it was finally time to get in the car and get my booty to the coffee kiosk which is everly so conveniently at the bottom of the hill from my Lil house(praise be to GOD). Whether I looked as bad as I thought, or maybe it was divine intervention but my coffee gall busted out the most amazing little gift of wonder on me! She handed me my Quad Shot, Massive, Carmel, Vanilla, Macchiato with... pause for effect... A RED BIG GULP STRAW!!!! OK so after laughing til I couldn't breathe, or see through the tears, I thanked my coffee girl and promised her when I make it big I will remember her! I mean come on ladies what coffee girl do you know can take one look at you and give you the cure?

I swear to you this was better than a straight IV of caffeine! First it eliminated the whole needle issue's I have, and it even made it so people didn't question my sanity. Gosh they act like nobody gets their caffeine from IV's sheeesh. But it also frightened me. You see the reality of handing an addict like me the quad shot with a big gulp straw, is well the equivalent of giving a heroine addict the spoon, needle, and heroine all ready to go! To be totally honest it was like being given the key to the White House to a teen  and saying go crazy!

I kid you not I went all sorts of  productive! I was charming, and delightful at work, I mean heck I had a quad shot with a Big Gulp Straw! Plus to add to my excitement was the UPS gal! I got to totally brag to her about this amazing wonder and she was uber excited too! Not to mention can you imagine what this means for over worked, over tired, mommy's all over the world? You too can solve all your fatigue issues with a massive quad shot in what ever flavor you adore and demand the big gulp straw! This little change in my coffee drinking has opened my little mine up to an instant rush of caffeine, and who doesn't just love that?

There is only one issue. The caffeine high which is divine is also met with well what could be very well be a overdose reaction. Breathe its not like I was itching non-existent bugs off my face, but I did become everyly so light headed, and found myself digging a spoon into a jar of peanut butter to counteract the rush of pure caffeine with protein. Oh don't get all dramatic, just keep a Lil jar of JIFF in your Prada and all will be right in the land of la. I mean hello you can just put that in there with the wet wipes, cheerios, and fruit snacks.

So men, woman, childcare givers', nannies, and those who deal with just day to day life go to your coffee kiosk or shop and order you next coffee of choice but don't forget the Big Gulp straw for those extra hard to get through days!


Get your lil pick me up today! We shall call it the Miss Amber Macchiato with BG Straw!

The Rapture = Get the H out of Dodge!

So not to be a total hater but here is what one must wonder. If we are to in fact get to have a "Get out Jail" card I really want to know where in the ficus my card went?

I mean here is the deal-i-oso, I would think first God would well see the four little mites that he has given to sweet Lil ol me and send me a VIP pass! From the mere fact that I am pretty sure there is going to be no release from the raising of the little clan I have already sent him an I understand your position e-mail and hopefully this will work to my advantage for if he really has chosen to raise up his followers with out in fact including me. Not to be obnoxious but we are all fully aware of the fact that well me and God are tight, tho there may be some different views on decorating, either way one must think that it would be to his advantage to have a gal like me in his corner.

Though the news coverage on the Rapture has been stellar! I mean the New York Times busted out a article on a family being split in two because of the rapture. My favorite part of the article was the fact that they were split due to the kids wanting to go to a party, and the parents sighting the rapture for their reason to say NO! That is creative parenting, I mean heck who knew we could start using evangelical reasons to say no? I for one am going to institute this practice I mean think of the possibility's?

No you can't go outside in the rain, we need to build an Arc first! or No you can not marry her don't you remember the issues with Jezebel? or What do you mean you can't find your brother? You sold him into slavery because you wanted his IPhone didn't you?

To say that this would work with my children well that is still in debate, tho my favorite comment was from Miss ShelbyLee when I said I thought God promised to never flood the earth again since we have more rain coming down for 3 days in a row and she responded "Um, ya so I think that our contract is up mom the Rapture is tomorrow!" That girl she so funny!

The big issue I have with the Rapture is the fact that I am positive Oprah so would have went head on into some super hype on the subject if she herself wasn't already planning her exit. Take that into consideration and you may freak yourself out! No Oprah, AHHHHHHH the world is coming to an end hehehe.

Not to mention I must say I am well a bit jealous of those that are making bank on this Lil deal. I mean heck if I new people would be willing to hand over money for the facts they read on a billboard I so would have capitalized on this! But now I have to hurry and get T-shirts made to sell for how the Rapture didn't happen. I have a few, "So um your still here?", "I know why I am here, What did you do?", "I am catching the next Rapture", oh the possibilities are endless and really I am sure to come up with more hehehe.
I leave you all with good wishes and good luck!

Hi Mean Mom

Ah the sweetest words EVER! So here is the latest run down on my Lil man situation. First he is often the sweetest little thing alive but as of late he has tried his hand at teasing the sisters, and we all know that is like playing with piranhas its just going to end up in pieces!

So after repeatedly kicking his sister's stool while she repeatedly told him not too, and then for good measure he decided to inform her that she was also "A whiny baby" you can just imagine the outcome. It was a good thing for him that he messed with Rori rather than Aubry because she would of had him in a headlock and demanding an apology! Instead he just made Rori cry much to my chagrin and landed himself in time out in his room.

That was my first mistake, I forgot the cardinal rule of parenting my children and that is to NEVER give them time to think/plot/organize against you! I know , I know, total rookie mistake but come on I was doing laundry, making dinner, listening to three girls talk to me and don't even act like you could have attacked the situation better! I mean pre-dinner after school/work time is like a war zone equipped with school home work, permission slips, middle school girl/boy drama, its like having a reality show minus the cameras!

Now when dinner was ready I sent one of the girls to go and get the wee man from his prison (ya prison with Lego's sooooo hardcore!) When he came up the stairs you could tell that well he had been thinking for awhile! Because he comes up those stairs looks me dead in the eyes and says "Hi, Mean Mom" now I will not lie I was caught off guard but by the reaction from my oldest daughter I asked him "What did you say?" and well being my child he said with complete enunciation so that in case I was having to rely on reading lips I would be able to understand "Hi, Mean Mom" OK now there are those moments in parenting that well there is a full on Mommy Dearest slip that occurs and well you just better hope that we are out of Comet and Wire Hangers! I looked at him and informed him that I was not the mean one and that due to his actions as well as his comment he was going to be timed for eating his dinner and that he best get a move on because when that big hand hit the 4 he was going to be off to his room like a prisoner in lock down for the evening!

Was I mad not so much as impressed with the fact that he is now starting to really think and plan out his actions, and to be very honest his honesty even though I know he knew he was not being nice was well commendable. Ah but alas when you are the mama and you don't want your child to become a  little thuglet when he is older you must remind him swiftly and surely that you are the boss, demand respect, and that well all actions have a reaction.

All that being said I will say that the reaction from his sisters was CLASSIC! The oldest well she stated she was sure he was going to be taken down and thought that she should stand by in order to assist in clean up. The middle child aka the brain of all devious plots instantly looked at him when he sat next to her at the table and was like "So how do you think that went? Not so smart to mess with mommy is it now!", but best of all was Rori ah the wise Rori he sat down she looked at him and was like "You better eat fast cause you are sooooo in trouble!"

I also liked the little when I was grounded for being mean to mom tales that they passed and reminisced about while eating dinner. I mean heck from the tales those girls told of toys being taken, chores being added, and long long hours spent sitting in ones room you could have swore they had spent some hard time in the pen. Now all I can say is this he apologized, we are besti's again but I doubt he will be thinking he is everly so clever the next time he gets in trouble.

Envy of the 13 year-old Confidence/Insanity

Man I wish I could have that confidence!

Now there are those days that you will look at your children and well wonder if there is a missing link! Here is why. I am the biggest fan of my oldest daughter but there are days when I still sit there and am well more than a little shocked and amazed by the fact that she has  NO FEAR when it comes to public humiliation!

I don't know about you but at 13 in the seventh grade it would well have been social suicide to go to school sporting a Blow fish costume for Halloween! But do you think that this was even a concern of hers? Heck No! She went right ahead with her plan and even recruited her Dad into this plan. What was scary is the fact that the two of them thought that this was basically the best idea ever! I sat there in shock while they constructed this costume out of metal coat hangers, paper, spray glue, and more man hours than I could or would ever dedicate to a costume.

What was even funnier is the fact that she was soooooo excited! She had arranged not only how she was going to commute to and from school as well as to and from class in this sweet get up. But what other girl do you know looks at the blow fish costume as the most epic fashion statement of the year?

So it really is funny that the fact of her tiara sporting, converse sneakers to her knees, and wait for it turned in an Army Ammo carry case into a lunch box and painted flying ponies and rainbows on the side antics are still surprising and shocking to me! She will entertain you to the end and the fact that she has a sense of humor of a 35 year old just adds to the fun! So here is a little wish for all of us on those days that we look in the mirror and wish we were skinnier, prettier, had better hair, better figure, and even better life, lets instead wish for that unscathed and undestroyed confidence of a girl with the self esteem of a Super Star!

Dinner with ease and NO Pea's Please!

Now as many mommy's discover there is that phase in our little one's life that for some reason they become picky eater's and you find yourself becoming a short order cook in your kitchen just to avoid the cataclysmic tantrum that will ensue if lord forbid the wrong item ends up on their plate.

Don't sit there and tell me that your child ALWAYS eats what you serve, because hello I would always clean my plate too if you offered me only my favorite foods too. I have been there in the kitchen during a day from Haiti and trying to make sure the youngest daughter had her plate which holds foods separate from each other so that they don't mingle, the oldest had a completely vegetarian dinner, and that the middle daughter didn't by chance spot the fact that I had slipped pureed cauliflower into her mashed potato's. You may laugh but if you have ever had to break up a riot over cauliflower on a child's plate you TOTALLY get were I am coming  from! I mean ladies here I was the Boss (bahahahaha) and yet I had always bragged about how my children always ate everything on their plates while friends would tell me about the stubborn Lil 5 year old who had a full on standoff at the dinner table with them over peas on their plate!

It was at the moment that my assembly line had began on preparing their dinner I realized that there needs to be a change in the way things are done in my Lil kitchen. I hate to break their Lil hearts but if you ever endure a lunch with a picky eating adult you will understand how terrible and almost rude it comes across. I mean salad dressing on the side is one thing, but refusing to eat anything new is not OK for anyone.

Now I am not saying that the transition was easy and painless I mean to be completely honest I would have rather been attacked by a mountain lion that first week. It was really a scene from the Twilight Zone the first meal that they all sat down to and discovered that they all had the same food, and that no mommy had not supplied the mac and cheese with a hotdog cut like an octopus please on their plate. (ya guilty I have done that) At first they looked at the plate as if it was a mythical creature that may very well attack them, then it began. Miss Rori proclaimed "Um so you know I don't like mushroom's right?", which was followed by Miss Aubry "K so I don't eat things that look like this" (pointing at shepherds pie) and my favorite of all was when the oldest stated "OK so you want us to eat so we can grow right? " Ah it had begun and in all reality OJ would have been set if he had my daughter's for his lawyers because those girls are the most convincing and manipulating Lil gems out there!

We then of course moved to crying, refusing to eat, and full on "Fine I will just DIE! Since you won't let me eat what I like!" This was wonderful and a HUGE boost on the mommy self-esteem train. I swear to you I called my besti Shelly and was in tears and fighting the urge to go in the kitchen and make them what they wanted by the 4th day of the dinner stand off. She of course having been there and done that informed me they would survive, and not to worry.

And I will tell you it was on the 5th day that I wanted to cave just to have peace at our dinner table! It was another rousing I never liked it or you dinner, were I might add I did not hand them arsenic dusted doughnuts! It was just chicken fettuccine, Caesar salad, and french bread! I mean you could have sworn that I was trying to get them to eat snails! From the gagging, tear shedding, my life is ending, you child abusing monster accusations that flew at that meal well they were enough to tear down the wall of china not to mention my will power!

So being the nice and I am so sorry I ever hurt your life source mommy I am I made them up their favorite sandwich's just the way they liked and was marching to the oldest bedroom were they had gathered I was sure to discuss the take down of mom and her evil ways. It was when I reached the closed door that I heard giggling and what sounded like a gay ol time. Here I thought they would be crying and complaining over the lack of food in their stomachs. But no instead I hear Aubry say "Here do you want the rainbow goldfish or the Parmesan?" Then I hear the oldest say "Cheese stick? I have M&M's for dessert too!"

Shut the front door! These little mites had began their full on recon mission to debunk the food rules with the wittingly use of snack foods! I mean seriously who does that? So when I opened the door I was shocked to see the mini picnic that they had assembled on the floor! They were not going to bed hungry! Hell to the no! They had enough snack foods to feed a Tibetan village and here I had lost 4 nights of sleep thinking that they had been sent to bed with out dinner!

It is moments like these folks that you either give them credit silently of course for their ingenious ways, or you get all sorts of mad because they have undermined you, and used your snack pantry to do so! Now of course I had to have a little time to breathe and well post their evil little booty's on eBay and craigslist, so I took a mommy time out.

After recovering from the dinner slash we own your booty situation I had a full on mean mommy discussion with them on the reasons that they needed to eat what they were given and not argue this due to the fact there are starving children on Mar's that would kill for the home cooked meals I make. This of course worked a little but to be honest there are still nights that Rori will be served chili and she will kindly remind me she isn't a fan of beans, or Lil man will tell me he never liked soup and will die or be sick if forced to eat it with the dramatic fall to the floor and tongue out of the mouth display by the dinner table.

But ladies be strong! My children are not abused due to having to eat things they are not particularly fond of and they have in time come to love foods that they didn't in the past. We as mother's need to also take this stand to keep our sanity as well as our position of disciplinarian, mother, and caregiver in their eyes. I am not saying go all Mommy Dearest on them with a raw steak and such, but make sure that they understand that the more you try new foods, it opens up more foods that you can eat and enjoy!

getting raised by my babies: Real Housewives My Booty!

getting raised by my babies: Real Housewives My Booty!

Real Housewives My Booty!

Ah the fun of television. It has come to the point that reality shows are the only thing on, unless you want to watch one of the 50 crime shows. Ah the selection! Not to mention the reality Housewives are well too much for words!

You see I am in a little town and I often joke that there is a need for a reality show just due to the total hilariousness of rumors, and drama. But the ladies on these reality shows are hysterical! From ghetto brawls in the country clubs, and tour bus throw downs, you also get to watch the best couple wars since War of Roses! I mean if you are dysfunctional, have a tan like an oompa loompa, and more plastic parts than a VW you are sooooo ready to go into National Syndication! Not to mention throw in an addiction, feud, or divorce and you are going to get book offers, and asked to go to red carpet events! I love the fact that they are actually serious about themselves on the reunion shows! They cry, they act concerned, and all sorts of so called normal.

Here is the deal-i-oso, I soooooo need a reality show! I mean heck, the kids I am actually raising have personalities, the people I know in my Lil town are so flipping hysterical to watch in action that we could simply go to the local main street sit on a bench and the entertainment would quickly follow. Not to mention throw in the "New Girl In Town Factor" and let me just say there is very little that hasn't been stated as gospel truth about me by complete strangers, and don't forget the fact that I have some of the best friends in the world that chill and laugh at the cable reality show situation with me. I mean folks this could be the new trend people actually watching real people minus the facade of reality and actually watching families that work, wipe their kids noses, and have days were they could actually loose their ever livin mind if they have to fold any more laundry!

I mean heck we may not make it big and TLC and Dancing With The Stars may not call but it would crack me up to watch a REAL family on T.V.! Not to mention it would be great to see if there are other mothers who come home to kids pushing their siblings down the stairs in a laundry basket and justifying it by having a helmet on the one in the basket, or heck going through phases with their children only wanting to eat only ORANGE colored foods, and drinks! I mean heck throw in the mother's ninja like ability to play Tetras with the 40 loads of laundry in the laundry room and I will make sure I have a diet something and popcorn to watch that kind of action!

Adventure's in WalHell

Oh ladies, ladies, ladies, how do I explain the fact that I ADORE Shopping but would rather amputate my own arm rather than go to WalHell Shopping? I like the things that they offer don't get me wrong but to be perfectly honest what I am not a fan of is the fact that they have 3 stages of People Encounters that well I for one could live without!

You are all aware of these: 1) Class Reunion Encounter 2) Ex Factor Encounter 3) Crazy Sideshow Act Encounter. These are the top three that I ALWAYS have when going to do my shopping, and I will be honest I refuse to enter into the shopping experience unless my hair, outfit, and such is all in order! Sounds crazy, this may be true but once you go into the vortex of WalHell with just a pony tail, running shorts, and a wife beater on and I SWEAR you will run into ALL 3 Encounters and quite frankly I like y'all y'all too much to submit you to that kind of trauma.(I know , I know, I am a giver!)

So it was on one of these trips to the abyss that me and my guy and Lil man took to WalHell that well to be frank was the epitome of welcome to crazyville! I swear to you there have yet to be this many crazy people in view since the last carnival that came through town! It was beyond nuts! From a man flinging bread in the bread aisle towards his caregiver (bless this woman folks! she had patience of a saint) , to the fact that when my Lil guy saw this he was like "Light bulb" and I swear to you he turned around grabbed the wheat bread and threw it like a football! What cracked me up was that the man that was doing this as well actually looked at my little guy like he had lost his ever livin mind! I mean Hello! Seriously? It was after I informed my Lil guy while picking up the loaf of bread off the floor, and grabbing the box of cereal that he was wielding that if he chose to throw one more item he was going to be ebayed! My son looked me straight in the eyes and stated "Well he gets to do it!" Like really Lil man you are everly soooo much smarter than that! I mean hello when has the "But Mom everyone else is doing it" ever worked?

Now I know you are all rolling at this point and to tell the truth I had to stifle my own laugh when the boy grabbed the box of cereal,  I mean heck at least that shows ingenuity!  So you would think that after what can only be described as helter skelter in the bread aisle you would think that this would be the end of the torture but alas folks you forget were it is we are WalHell! If you can name the spectacle I can probably give you the number of the aisle or at the very least a run down on the clothes they had on!

From bread throwing, to yogurt tantrums, flying bags of chips check, tantrum over not getting cheese which results in throwing shoes check, right down the the crazy photo shoot for mama at the photo place while the children are screaming and very unhappy at mama getting her Top Model on, right down to the checker that I swear in the time it took to check me out informed me of medical issues, a locker thief, her favorite medications, and her days off! Folks I was at my breaking point! It was the closest I have come in a long time to using the mean mommy voice on complete strangers, and opting for a drinking lunch ! I mean come on people I kid you not it was like a episode of the Twilight Zone mixed with a sprinkling of Tales From the Crypt! I swear if the creepy puppet from Tales From the Crypt appeared I would have shook his hand and asked if he saw the sale on berries!

So to those that enjoy shopping first let me ask what do you take before you go? And can I have some? Because at this point I get full body shivers at the idea of having to re offend this ordeal and truly am thinking that there is a definite need for grocery home delivery in my Lil mountain town!

Can Not Go Wrong With Good Peep's In Your Corner!

Oh folks there are those day's that I find myself sitting in the morning with my coffee and feel so blessed for all that has come from one of the hardest moments of my life. I entered into my marriage young which is NO excuse, but I must also say I don't regret a single moment or choice in my past. What? It's true, with out the choices that I made I never would have ended up here.

You see I love my lil life, to say it was easy to start over at 30 and having literally only the clothes on my back, my four babies, and no plan I must say I did pretty dang good! Its funny to me when talking with my close girlfriends to think back on all we have done. I remember thinking for years that I wouldn't know what I would do if I was ever left alone with four small children and well as it turns out I would do just dandy thank you very much!

I have finally found me, I have finally taken charge of my own path, and I have found strength that I truly never knew existed. Why am I on this topic? Well you see I had to laugh at a recent convo about my lil life I had with a good friend. Here she was telling me how super I am (we never object to that) but she was also using words such as Survivor, Resilient, Hotter than Victoria Secret's model ( ok, ok, maybe not the VS model) but she was using words to describe me that I really never even thought of.

Which got this girl a thinking. Why is it when you are in a situation be it good or bad we often sell ourselves short? I am a Cancer survivor 4 years in remission thank you, and yet I never well take that as a victory. Why? Well I count my 4 babies as a bigger accomplishment over beating stage 3 Cancer. I count my blessings yes, and I don't dwell on the bad rather I take the hurdle and move on.  It is comical to me now some of the things that happen during my cancer tho.

For example I am one who jokes when I am hurt, hurting, or being tortured by needle wielding nurses. One incident that sticks out to me is when I was being airlifted to Billings due to complications caused by cancer and the pregnancy with my last lil guy. And they put me in the ambulance and I notice that the EMT who was helping transport me had a MULLET !!!! Oh the excitement that this brought to me, and ladies he not only had the whole business up front but he had gel in the back! Oh the fun I had! You see I hurt like hell but to distract myself from the poking and prodding that was going on to me. It was good for him, I made Aqua Net jokes, thanked him for hanging on to the 80's with such zealous and gave him a nod even for the resemblance he had to Bon Jovi.

You see it is my firm belief that when you are down, just Pollyanna the hell out of the situation and all will be right in the Land of La! Not to mention always surround yourself with true friends, and family. Also give yourself a shout out any time you over come an obstacle.

What the Ficas!!!!

OK so I pride myself on well being organized, prepared and ready for all that I do but during the past month we have been hit with family emergency room visits, holidays(stupid rabbit) , and working more than normal. So it was uber shocking to me today while talking with a gal about an event that I am MCing for that oh surprise it is this Sunday!

You see I had for some reason put it in my phone and calendar for the Sunday after this and oh shocker it is this Sunday!!!! How in the heck did I do that? I shall first blame the extra incidents of the month, sight early setting in Alshemiers and then go with when all else fails blaming it on the four little full time jobs that I have at home. (mature I know)

So after picking my jaw off the floor, calling and texting my dear dear friends and begging for their hot little bodies to model for Sunday, I then had to contend with what to put them in! Oh ya and did I mention that I had double booked myself and am also supposed to be in Billings with my guy, and the babies to watch him race? Oh ya I am supposed to transport myself there in time to see his race! Where in the world is Spock when you need him and his fancy ship? I just can't do it Captain I can't do it! insert strong Scottish accent please. I mean hello I may be super mom but a little help here from the Trekkie's would be Greatly Appreciated! I could totally rock their little jump suits and heck I would even be nice to the Klenon's, and Shatner would so love my enthusiasm!

Oh and did I mention that do to my sweet scheduling abilities I will have to show up late for the races, and oh did I mention that I will be doing the show probably til 2! I mean can anyone one please bring me a paper bag, shot of vodka, and a Valium? Cause I am going to need them!!!!

Now due to the fact that I have multi tasking OCDs  I have managed to pick outfits for all, stop my hyperventilating without a paper bag, and am now just dreading the let down of telling my family that I will have to be late coming to the races. I have some ideas on how to do this so tell me what you think.

A) Make FABULOUS dinner, dessert, and tell them when the are almost comatose from eating too much.

B) Tell them we are going to Disney Land, and then during their excitement whisper I am going to be late to the races.

C) Grab bottle of wine, bottle of Extra Strength Tylenol, and just tell them quick like when you take off a band-aide and hope that the shrapnel doesn't hit me in the face (I am a cute girl we don't want scars!)

So today while you all celebrate the wonderful feel of it being a Friday, remember Miss Amber here in Lil Montana and say a Lil prayer for me! Lord knows I will need one! Also if you see me on FOX News with the title Montana Woman pummels actor from Star Trek sighting that he wouldn't share his transporter. Just know the real reason behind my actions! And please send me letters in prison :)

Say What?

OH we have a very funny little moment as mothers, all of us well at least all of us that are willing to admit it . (insert wink) You see all of us have that moment in the beginning of motherhood that as well can only be described as sheer panic, shock, and to be perfectly honest horror.

Now don't tell me oh it was the most Phenomenal moment of my life when they handed me that perfect little pink faced bundle o' joy. Because ladies first I have had my share of newborns and lets just say it as it is. First they are not all precious at birth (my first had a black eye due to my pelvic bone, my second closely resembled an orangutan, the third was perfect due to her baking longer than the other two, and well the lil guy could have been born a cone head I still would have oohed and ahhhhed over him) Now I say this with love but also with honesty. They all scared the tar out of me! Why? Why? Well because news flash its not like you just got a new pair of shoes! You my dear have just been handed a LIFE. I don't care how well planned or prepared you thought you were, because the moment that they hand you that lil being in all their unbelievably , over powering amazement you are not ready.

I am not talking about having the house, the nursery, the car seat, the right blankets , and going home accessories. I mean if that was all we mother's had to worry about hell to the ya I would be like, "Oh it was the most Phenomenal Moment Ever!".  Lets be honest, they have entrusted you with this little being and might I add you got that little bundle without having to do any paper work, test, or even applying for a permit. I mean ladies we do more to get our driver's licenses!

It is at the moment that I was handed my little one's that I was Scared to Death. I won't sugar coat this, it was the most frightening thing that I have had, and still have to contend with daily. You see to take the Little Tike enjoyment train and say that those first weeks, months, and years of parenting are so fabulous, and without doubt, fear, and anxiety , well I say first "Where is the Kool Aide you are drinking" and "Do they deliver?"

Why are you so negative? Negative? Negitory on that one Ghost Rider, realistic and aware Guilty. Here is why. You see I will be honest. I well in real honest get to know you like Barbara Walter's on 20/20 sort of way, had a less than positive childhood. To say neglect, abuse, and abandonment happen yes. To say I was close to my mother no (unless you count knowing all of her personal problems, fights with family, step dad, and money problems etc). Now this is why you may say that I was so scared of being a mother, and well you would be half right. The other half is this. I am not perfect. There I said it! Nope I am not perfect, I don't always have the right answer, I don't know Everything, and well heck there are certain things that I should not be in control of. I mean it felt like I was back in PE and waiting to be killed by the hurling dodge ball!

So to say I took to being a mother with grace not so much. I knew what she needed , and the basics of how to care for her but to be a good mother frightened me. You see we all have been around those friends whose mothers were the BEST. You know those mother's, they are on all the right committee's, their hair is always fixed, make up perfect, their children are perfect and so are their homes. And well to be quite honest at 19 with my first that was scarier than a raccoon on a rampage with rabies in your kitchen!

And what was worse was the other mother's who gave that advice! I mean really? I can not even tell you how many times I heard from women that they just Loved to Iron! (Who loves to iron? its like Chinese water torture!) Or the ones who just couldn't think of not having little Janie not having fresh organic homemade baby food! Here is the deal-i-oso , first we say crap like that because it makes us feel like the forty five minutes of peeling, cooking, and pureeing our baby's carrots for them to spit out on the tray and instead opt for the dang cheerios COUNT! I have done it all from the organic make my own baby food, to the staying up and baking, frosting, decorating, and individually packaging cupcakes with flipping curling ribbon for a Valentines day full of 3 school parties! You know what I envied the mom who said screw it and bought M&M's!

It is through the stage of the first 5 years of mommy initiation that we discover there are only 3 things that really matter. 1- They know they are LOVED 2-They can depend on YOU 3- You will ALWAYS be THERE. That is IT. I know, I know grab your coffee , sit down, and BREATHE! Ladies the hard facts are just those three little items. You see if you look back as a child you will always remember the bad first, the good second, and the damn cup cakes in pink baggies don't even come up. Why? Because we are all human, and once you realize that being a mommy though with its bouts of Martha Stewart I can do it better moments, is just those 3 things you will be a REAL MOMMY.

Beave home. That last one is HARD! Girls its like dealing with Jenny Craig on your shoulder heckling you with that sequins donning Richard Simmons screaming to Sweat to the Oldies! But it can be done. You see I have perfected the escape hatch (aka bathroom) , when my little darlings have done something that has me searching for a Comet Can like Joan Crawford I go to the bathroom lock myself in, and don't leave til I can see straight, am not breathing like I ran a marathon, and don't have the urge to yell. My children bless their lil hearts recognize this maneuver  and know that it is for the best for all involved especially for the one to two children that have sent me there.

I tried self help books, self healing books, and the you are OK books. Truth be told I could open up a library with the books I bought for parenting. But all I ever found were unrealistic techniques, and to be honest they were often boring, not for real mother's in the trench's with two toddlers , a child genius and two dogs, and a uninvolved spouse. They were for the cornucopia utopia families that were all perfect, did perfect things, and had children who I swear were aliens! I mean really what do you do when the oldest grows mold in your purse in her closet, the second child cuts the youngest hair into a bonafide redneck mullet, and the big dog chews up the porch swing, while the little dog uses your house plants like fire hydrants? And ya they do it all in the same day, while you are supposed to be braiding their hair while they sing church hymns and you prepare home cooked meals, do your hair, makeup , and get dressed! I mean girls there are three years in which I remember literally finding cheerios in my hair on a daily basis, and the only adult convo I had was when I bought coffee!

To give a mother unrealistic just go to your happy place techniques is not going to work. I mean honey it was a good day if everyone was in one piece by dinner, I had a ponytail, and got to change my shirt! That is why after trying to wade through the perfect mother stigmas that so many of us have been given I decided that I was just going to parent by doing the complete opposite of my own mother, keep sanity by remembering these lil ones were not even close to the same, and using more sarcastic puns then you will hear from Chelsea Lately!  Plus heck if I was going to be a mommy I was going to do it my way and well be me. I can't pretend I have it all together all the time and why should I? I mean heck the last thing you need as a mom on top of all the other responsibility's you have, is to have to act too! Hello we are not getting paid for this gig and quite frankly why torture yourself?


So in saying this remember mommy's of the world you are not alone! We are all there with you, and heck if it makes you feel better read my fun tales of children of the crypt and hug your own little darlings!

School Days

First let me just say that there are those certain milestones that you reach with your children that are well great and painless and others that are comparable to contractions. (ya I know I am all class ;)

At a girls night with my besties which is the best therapy known to man! I mean heck throw some champagne, goodies, and girl talk and I truly believe it is worth its weight in gold and a whole hella cheaper too! Well it is on these nights that us busy ladies often end up laughing till we can't breathe and we even delve into past experiences. I know we are very talented!

Well me and one of my girls are going to be facing the first day of Kindergarten for our youngest chillens and well it is so funny on how different this experience can be from the first to the last. You see as always our oldest girls were not only ready but well heck they were so excited to spread their lil wings that there was only tears from the mama's and the girls were off and running. But it is a whole new game when you deal with the youngest. I for one and just hoping for a bit of a calmer first day rather than what it was when I took my darling Aubry. (enter second child, and queen of middle child syndrome)

You see it was through our reminiscing that I was reminded of the sweet and darling way my lil Aubry christened that Kindergarten classroom, Principal , and teacher all on her first day in school. It was a great day, the sun was shining she was in the cutest lil outfit ever, and sporting amazing pig tails. (this girl has GREAT hair)

So upon bringing her into the classroom I was so proud of my lil angel and couldn't wait to watch her blossom just like her big sis. (mistake #1 comparing siblings) So I got her supplies out, we found her spot, and when we went to hang up her jacket and backpack, she said calmly "So when I am ready to come home I will do something big" (clue one that this girl had no intention of staying in school the full day) I simply brushed off this comment and left feeling very confident that this was just a great day all around.(mistake#2 underestimating the awesome power of miss aubry)

You see this day started a slew of days that well I became aware that my girl was not a thing like her oldest sister and that when the principal has you on speed dial on his private cell phone him and his secretary's need coffee brought to them daily.

It was on the first day that with out skipping a beat she promptly after lunch decided she was done with this Kindergarten gig and pulled the plug on the water table, thus flooding the classroom and ending her up in the principals office and my first phone call from the principal. And let me tell you I know that principals are great but why do you start your convo's with "Hi, Amber this is insert name. How is your day going?" I mean seriously? Well to be quite honest it was flipping sweet, til you called!"

I mean really what in the free world do they expect you to say? Oh fabulous and its even better since I get to hear your amazing voice! Hell to the no dude! Lets be honest the reason they call is A) your kid is in trouble, B) there is an injury or C)Your child is taking hostages in the library!

It was with these calls that first year that I learned quite a bit about my lil Aubry. She has skills to be an excellent lawyer, and negotiator, and if there is a job in the military that allows her to use mind manipulation while distracting them with her lil precious moments look of innocence this girl is bound to go far! I also learned that the constant pounding in her head that lying was not allowed did help though often got her in trouble at school. And that she had a heart of gold!

You see bless her lil heart she is the carbon copy of her mommy, but with self confidence that I envy. You see often her principal visits had a pattern. If a boy messed with her big sister she was going to take them out! And do to her no lying policy would fully admit to not only pushing the boy down but also kicking him while he was down to prove her point of don't mess with my sister. If somebody was bullying another classmate about not having nice shoes or clothes she would come home and demand we get them the needed item or she was going to give her own shoes and clothes to them.

It is with this redeeming quality of total loving and acceptance that she is truly the most giving person I know. It was during that first year at Kindergarten that she worked for 2 weeks straight to earn money to buy a girl in her class a winter coat, mitten, hat, and boots because the girls family was unable to do this. What made it so special was that she wanted the girl to not know she did it! She simply went in early that day put all the items on her hook and watched at the excitement when the lil girl found them. You see though I may have seen that Principal and his secretary's more than any of my other friends and family that year I would never change that year for anything!

I find that if we take a step back from the situation we will often see that the intent of our children is not that of being bad but rather their way of standing up for or defending good. Now don't think for a minute that she is perfect and that I praise her for being bad, but I do make sure that I have all sides of the situation before I log onto craigslist and post her up for top bidder.

She is so her own lil person!

When you can shake it, shake it!

Now I am a young mom. No I didn't have my babies at 10 but you know at the responsible age of 19 duh! I was also married so don't judge. Saying this there are things that I have come to understand that are just well not protocol for all mothers.

For instance when I take my 13 year old to school I can get away with screaming out the window "I love you, make good choices". To which she will scream back "I love you too, just like dirty socks" , oh what a doll. But I have watched other mothers simply yell "Don't forget to go to my office after school" to which the response is of the children putting their heads down, and doing the weird look over to the kid next to them and looking at them like oh man is that your mom? There are other incidents such as if I show up to get her from school and decide to cat call her while she is walking to the car, she often stops and struts like she is on a catwalk.

I love hanging out with my kiddos and often I find it is so much funner to do this with music. So it is nothing to walk in our home and the radio to be blaring and me and my kids shaking it like we are at a club. Now do not get confused by me having fun with my kids, and the not being a parent line. I am the mom, they are my minions and I am in charge (most of the time). But I am also not that mom that throws the kegers at their house using the whole "I would rather have them drink where I know they are safe". Hell to the No on that !

That is strictly not considered parenting and quite frankly I don't need anymore friends. Not to mention it would just be creepy if my daughter got her drink on with my permission! This is becoming one of the impeding situations that are on our horizon. You see unless you live under a rock you are aware that kids are starting to drink, and experiment with drugs younger and younger. They even hosted a survey of the middle schoolers to see what the stats are for drugs, drinking, and sex in the schools.

Thus far my oldest bless her heart is still totally virgin on all accounts. She may make off colored jokes on drugs, drug dealers, and sweat shop kids making crack but she is completely unaware of many of the decisions of her peers. I for one have opted for total disclosure with her on a need to know basis. For example if she asks "Did you wait for marriage?" I smile sweetly and say well now honey if I had been that smart do you think I would have been lucky enough to marry the sperm donor?  See honest, harsh, but reality.  I know you are all like "Oh my gosh she admitted to being human! There goes the parent respect right out the window! Oh get your panties out of a wad, first of all do any of you remember the extreme shock and horror when you realized your parents were jacked up like polio? I mean hello!

Its like finding out your June Cleaver mom was a stripper at Shotgun Willies when she was in her twenty's! Not to mention the fact that why should I pretend to have been a model teen? I mean hello being a teen is hard enough with hormones, mean girls, and the whole who am I deal why put unrealistic idol worship on me too? Plus I am also happy with the fact that my house is the favorite for slumber parties, sleep overs, and hang out spot. Why? Well I am involved. I play the dance dance game on Wii, I run with them while shooting them down with silly string, and yes I am even guilty of being the mom shaking it with the girls while dancing in my living room. I am approachable, non judgemental, and human and they love that. So if you feel there is a awkward feeling with you and your teen try remembering being a teen, and sympathize with their issues at school and friends too.

Ebay and Craigslist are lookin like an option for disipline

So girls you know those moments as a mother you look at your offspring and wonder where in the ficus did they come from? Now don't go getting all high and mighty on me ladies, we have all been there when our children have driven us insane! I am just honest enough to talk about it.(that's why you love me)

This weekend was truly no exception. It was one of those evenings that when I thought all was good in the land of la,  they became lil chucky doll remakes and I swear I heard the music from the exorcist in the background! You see why would we want to stay in bed? Or heck who needs rules? I mean honestly why wouldn't you want to climb on your headboard and chill on the ledge by your window at 9 at night? I mean HELLO that is what all the cool kids are doing! And heck throw in the fact that my 9 year old was serenading her younger sister's voyage up mount saint window sill and you have a full blown Broadway show!

You see this is were I know my children are truly one of a kind! I mean come on folks they have theme music to their exploits and actions of defiance! How many of you can say that not only are the actions of your children narrated, but narrated  by song? Ya I know I am soooo lucky! And truth be told I often feel as if either I have been blessed with such highly animated children due to the fact that God wanted to highlight the fact that I haven't seen nothing yet, and well rubbing it in my face that the teen years are going to require a door dispenser of vicodon and kool-aide spiked with a little mind nummer like grey goose. (just drink the kool-aide the sign will read, and take this and you will grow taller. ring a bell anyone?)

So it may come as a shock to you all that I would not even gawk at the scene and the true shock and amazement on my fiance's face when he came up to report this behavior to me. (I mean it was just the night before that the oldest was using her blanket from the top bunk as a whip, and the youngest was acting like a horse!true story!) After hearing the shocking tale of the crazy chanting and singing of the two lil imps and the true spectacle that was to be awaiting me upon my decent into the basement, I did what all good mothers do took a sip of my drink and prepared to take on the role of Simon Cowell in American Idol. I mean really it takes a lot to rattle the cage for me, I have a small daycare people! This is old news to me, nothing and I do mean nothing really tends to shock or amaze me.

And I was just not really all that impressed by their lack of creativity and , HA crazy Paula wasn't there to under mind me! After walking in on what I believe to be the second part of the show(I am always fashionably late ) The youngest had moved to the closet, and was belting her little heart out to a rendition of I believe the song is called "I don't want to go to sleep so I will sing all about it", and the oldest was trying to play a Grammy nominee performance of "I am innocent, and was sleeping, no really mommy (insert batting eyes, and a face of an angel). Now I am not a typical mom (maybe that is the reason for the non-typical kids) any how after explaining to my cherubs that there are sweat camps were they are dying to have little girls who love to stay up and work all night and that it was 3 simple key strokes on the computer to post their sweet sweat shop skills they quickly understood that mommy was going to  eBay them before they could even get into their final act of the the show and decided to go to bed. (very smart on their part)

Some may frown on the fact that I use sarcasm and humor with my children but here is the deal-i-oso, I am out numbered 4-1 and if you haven't noticed these are not your average children that I am contending with. I mean that is why I have the emergency protocol for when the house is quite, 1-3 children is MIA, and believe you me there is cold vodka in the freezer to settle mommy's nerves once the situation has been evaded, discovered, or survived. (truth be told it is often moments such as these that I find myself cracking up inside)

For example my youngest bless his heart is going thru the my older sister's are soooo easy to blame for all mischief that I get into and even for world issues such as world hunger, and war. Now I kid you not this lil guy will look you square in the eyes and say that it was in fact his sister's fault that the bathroom counter, mirror, toilet, and floor are painted with water colors. (Even if she is at school) Of course this is normal for the younger children to do , but what I love is how he will take credit for making me strawberries, bread, and even my toothpaste if it tickles his fancy just to ensure that he has mommy around his little finger.

To say that my children are challenging is like saying Oprah is popular. They are a funny little brood of rug rat's that I love and adore, and by god am going to go grey prematurely for during their teen years (give me a break people I will have a senior, junior, and freshman all at the same time!) . And don't you think for a minute that I am not working on the Armageddon Game Plan for that situation! It is comical to me due to the fact that my girl that will be the senior is going to also be the one that will smile while I sit in the Superintendent's Office and try to explain how I had no idea she had printed fliers for the Senior Keg she is promoting, when she passes them out like crack in the ghetto during school hours of course. I mean heck if Dr. Phil is real or up for a real challenge I double dog dare him to come to my house. P.S. Super Nanny would check herself into a psyche ward after her first encounter of the mighty Minni's !

So go forth, laugh at my life, and say a prayer when you see a young girl with four children walking down the street with all of them in matching harnesses, and leashes, all color coordinated of course!

Triple Shot Mountain Mornings

Ah nothing is better than waking up and being able to see the mountains from your deck! This morning was great because not only did I get some one on one time with my fiance but I also was able to have a leisurely breakfast with my lil ones too! Nothing says Saturday like French Toast, Bacon, and O.J.
This morning was extra funny tho due to the amazing A you see he has become his own lil person and cracks me up all the time! Today as I was making breakfast he comes up the stairs and announces that he found his long lost hamster toy (much to my chagrin) and that they both love me! Ah melt my heart!
But the thing that is so humorous is the fact that he believes he is an Ace Storyteller! Oh ya folks he will regale us all with his adventures in Lego's and Dirt biking, as long as he has his sister's there egging him on lol
My favorite part of the story telling is the way he ends all his stories with "And they lived happy ever after forever and ever amen" You've got to love the way little ones pick up on even the littlest phrases that they hear daily.
So today will be a great day with work fun and just plain life!

School of Divorce!

OK first let me educate and inform those of you that are considering or in the middle of a divorce. I will be the first to admit that on the financial end of my marriage I was ENTIRELY UNAWARE! By unaware ladies, I didn't even have a checking account, savings account etc. I had never filed taxes by myself, or even thought to worry or check into any of the accounts that my ex was in control of. You see I married young (18) and didn't even have a job from the time we wed in '97 til '09!!
So here is the advice I wished I had when this all started.

1)Know all and every document that you sign, or are given to sign
2)Do a check on all accounts constantly
3)Have your own checking and savings in your maiden name!
4)Do a credit check the once a year on your name
5)Do not assume that he would never take a cc in your name, take out loans with you not knowing, or that you are going to be free of any incurred debt on his half just because you have a divorce decree that gives him ALL debt!!!
6)Request all past taxes that have been filed, and request an Injured Spouse amendment for your first year of filing taxes on your own!!!

Here is the deal your lawyer can't do everything, or think of everything. You need to make sure that when all is said and done your asset's are protected from debt collectors, and that you are able to prove or disprove all disputed debts.

What to do about love?

You know there are those feelings that happen when you meet that guy?
You know the can't wait to see if he calls! Oh my phone is ringing I wonder if it is him? Oh girls come on you all have been there the first two weeks were you literally float above the ground, you have a perma smile, and your heart stops when he walks in the room.
This is the feeling the drive if you will for all of us girls who are searching for that can't breathe, live, or function without you love that we watch on t.v., read about in books, and I swear have it rubbed in our faces at every turn!
Now having loved, been lost in love, crushed in love, and revived by love I must say there is still that want and that drive to have that one truly perfect and selfless love that can only be compared to two relationships I have witnessed in my life: My Grandma, and Grandpa Patterson. and the love I have with my children.
You see my grandparents had a love that really was one of not movies fairy tales, but damn close! They fought, laughed, cried, suffered, and wanted for nothing more. To watch them was amazing. They were far different than my parents. They were in it forever! They took those vows and by God they meant them. Now this is not to say that they always were all wine and roses, but it was a love that could be felt simply by watching them. And when my grandmother passed unexpectedly my grandfather willed himself to join her shortly afterwards. His quote still brings tears to my eyes "I have nothing left to live for with her gone, I am done. I had a good life and now I am done." This really summed it up for me. I was 26 and pregnant with my youngest, and it stuck with me.
It was like this. Sometimes we love, sometimes we think that the one we love cares and then one day we wake up and find ourselves in love and alone. I changed this the day I sat in a car driving with my baby sister drinking coffee, and dishing about my anger towards the relationship in which I had invested all that I was, and realized with her strength I could leave it! You see she had that vibrancy for life, that want for adventure, and a strength that I remember at one point had. She was a mirror I couldn't turn away from, and how could I look at her someday or my daughters for that matter and tell them that if they were unhappy, treated bad, or plain just unappreciated they couldn't leave and that they had to stay!
This is a bit of the past before the journey of my new life.
I don't count the first few months after leaving, they are a blur of fear, tears, and panic. But when I finally surfaced from the ashes I found me. I found I was strong. I could do what I set out to do. I could love my children and myself and not feel guilty for this. I could choose what I wanted to do, and it was empowering! To say that there wasn't tears and pain is like saying that raising children is easy! But I found that I could be alone. Me alone! I could be happy with just my life, my thoughts and even with no body there.
When this happen so did love. A friend at first, a confidant if you will when the divorce got scary, when the stress was too much, or when the kids could have very well drove me over the edge. It was at first the feeling that I wasn't alone, that someone else was hurting too and could sit and listen offer advice and even aid in making me smile for a while.
The scary part was the fear of the unknown. What if one invests themselves into a person and once again is alone? Could I do this? To say it was easy would be a lie. I will say this, I was broken as far as love goes. Trust was not an option, and releasing myself to feel for another was scary as all hell to me. Thus it remained unlabeled, unspoken, and just a if you will safe place for awhile.
How is it when you feel balanced for the first time in your life you can feel as if you take one step you could very well fall off a cliff and may very well not recover?
There were nights, and days that this was my biggest fear and constant thought. Still to this day I worry about the what if, but instead of it being what if I take that step, it is the what if since I took the step I get left all alone?
You see my safety net is well me. What if I ruin me by finding I am all alone?
The man I am with is caring, loving, supportive, funny, and the best man in my children's life! He took a look at me and the babies and he just took us all in his arms, life, and heart. To say he was ready to be a father to four children would be really a funny little question. You see he had never had children and tho he had been married they never got babies. And yet he didn't even flinch when he met my lil ones. From the beginning it was always about the babies. If they were happy he was happy. If they were in danger he was going to protect them. And when faced with the question of forever he was all in.
With these facts I have decided this. I am in love. I am still me. I am still the girl that was scarred, hurt, and broken. But slowly with patience, time, and love I am working towards a love that will be forever. Not with the same jaded views as before, but with the reality that what life is and what love is depends on you. You control who you let in, and what you let happen, if you are happy invest in your happiness, if you are sad take away those that cause this, and if you are unhappy change it. It took years for me to leave a bad relationship but when I finally saw the light I was ready to go all in with nothing to catch me.

Oh God Where to Begin????

You know how you will have one of those days, where everything is going good? Better than good even , Great? Well that was my Thursday. I was so excited to get to go to Billings with my man. My bff was watching my Lil guy (he just loves her everly so so much!).
All went great in Billing's too, got to have a nice lunch out, get stuff for the kids bunk beds, and groceries. Came home with not a hiccup, put things away and heck we had made it home before the babies even got out of school! Like I said it was a super day!
Then WHAM!!!! Just like that my perfect day changed in the matter of seconds. On my way to get my Lil guy I was hit. My car god bless it's Lil heart got all sorts of jacked up around that phone pole, and well me let's just say not doing all together that great.
I ended up being in the ER, and got to meet our emergency response team here in Red Lodge. I must say this though. Out of all of the pain, and the shock, well I felt safe. The first responder was one of my children's teacher's and she was able to crack jokes about having clean panties and that my hair looked great!
The paramedic's well they were AWESOME!!! Those guys and gal were just fabulous, they kept me calm as they could, and the best part was that all of them were soooooo caring! The officer's from the city were great, and a big thanks to those city cops for taking care of my car and the towing details, (I am as girl as they get and those guys made it all work!).
To the fire dept. guys thank you for taking my sick and well probably nervous humor in stride, and thank you for telling me that my hair looked ok even with the neck brace!
To my ER nurses, and doctor, and xray tech thank you! You guy's were with me the longest and had to answer all my stupid questions and deal with my whining about pain.
In the end, well I am carless, I hurt like a mother trucker, but I am counting my blessing's that my Lil guy wasn't in the car nor were any of my other children.