Sunday, December 5, 2010

What to do about love?

You know there are those feelings that happen when you meet that guy?
You know the can't wait to see if he calls! Oh my phone is ringing I wonder if it is him? Oh girls come on you all have been there the first two weeks were you literally float above the ground, you have a perma smile, and your heart stops when he walks in the room.
This is the feeling the drive if you will for all of us girls who are searching for that can't breathe, live, or function without you love that we watch on t.v., read about in books, and I swear have it rubbed in our faces at every turn!
Now having loved, been lost in love, crushed in love, and revived by love I must say there is still that want and that drive to have that one truly perfect and selfless love that can only be compared to two relationships I have witnessed in my life: My Grandma, and Grandpa Patterson. and the love I have with my children.
You see my grandparents had a love that really was one of not movies fairy tales, but damn close! They fought, laughed, cried, suffered, and wanted for nothing more. To watch them was amazing. They were far different than my parents. They were in it forever! They took those vows and by God they meant them. Now this is not to say that they always were all wine and roses, but it was a love that could be felt simply by watching them. And when my grandmother passed unexpectedly my grandfather willed himself to join her shortly afterwards. His quote still brings tears to my eyes "I have nothing left to live for with her gone, I am done. I had a good life and now I am done." This really summed it up for me. I was 26 and pregnant with my youngest, and it stuck with me.
It was like this. Sometimes we love, sometimes we think that the one we love cares and then one day we wake up and find ourselves in love and alone. I changed this the day I sat in a car driving with my baby sister drinking coffee, and dishing about my anger towards the relationship in which I had invested all that I was, and realized with her strength I could leave it! You see she had that vibrancy for life, that want for adventure, and a strength that I remember at one point had. She was a mirror I couldn't turn away from, and how could I look at her someday or my daughters for that matter and tell them that if they were unhappy, treated bad, or plain just unappreciated they couldn't leave and that they had to stay!
This is a bit of the past before the journey of my new life.
I don't count the first few months after leaving, they are a blur of fear, tears, and panic. But when I finally surfaced from the ashes I found me. I found I was strong. I could do what I set out to do. I could love my children and myself and not feel guilty for this. I could choose what I wanted to do, and it was empowering! To say that there wasn't tears and pain is like saying that raising children is easy! But I found that I could be alone. Me alone! I could be happy with just my life, my thoughts and even with no body there.
When this happen so did love. A friend at first, a confidant if you will when the divorce got scary, when the stress was too much, or when the kids could have very well drove me over the edge. It was at first the feeling that I wasn't alone, that someone else was hurting too and could sit and listen offer advice and even aid in making me smile for a while.
The scary part was the fear of the unknown. What if one invests themselves into a person and once again is alone? Could I do this? To say it was easy would be a lie. I will say this, I was broken as far as love goes. Trust was not an option, and releasing myself to feel for another was scary as all hell to me. Thus it remained unlabeled, unspoken, and just a if you will safe place for awhile.
How is it when you feel balanced for the first time in your life you can feel as if you take one step you could very well fall off a cliff and may very well not recover?
There were nights, and days that this was my biggest fear and constant thought. Still to this day I worry about the what if, but instead of it being what if I take that step, it is the what if since I took the step I get left all alone?
You see my safety net is well me. What if I ruin me by finding I am all alone?
The man I am with is caring, loving, supportive, funny, and the best man in my children's life! He took a look at me and the babies and he just took us all in his arms, life, and heart. To say he was ready to be a father to four children would be really a funny little question. You see he had never had children and tho he had been married they never got babies. And yet he didn't even flinch when he met my lil ones. From the beginning it was always about the babies. If they were happy he was happy. If they were in danger he was going to protect them. And when faced with the question of forever he was all in.
With these facts I have decided this. I am in love. I am still me. I am still the girl that was scarred, hurt, and broken. But slowly with patience, time, and love I am working towards a love that will be forever. Not with the same jaded views as before, but with the reality that what life is and what love is depends on you. You control who you let in, and what you let happen, if you are happy invest in your happiness, if you are sad take away those that cause this, and if you are unhappy change it. It took years for me to leave a bad relationship but when I finally saw the light I was ready to go all in with nothing to catch me.