Saturday, January 26, 2013

Crazy New Years Resolutions

Ah, that first glimpse into the blank slate of a New Year!

It's so fresh, and so clean, clean! (Sorry I sometimes break out into spontaneous song, don't judge it happens). I for one have been well the one who often has spectacular plans for new diets, work out routines, cleaning plans, you name it!

But you see I have AADD when it comes to resolutions. I am easily sidetracked, and often don't even realize I am off track till I am half way into a tub of Chubby Hubby by Ben and Jerry's. I also well have issues with telling myself "NO". Ya both super quality's to have when trying to change one's life!

So as you can imagine the results well are not as planned. Example's? Ah yes I have some just for you!

Remember the whole we are going to get fit if it kills us trend? Well it starts up around the last week of December brought on by the guilt of the extreme gorging which we partake in during the Holidays. This is often when I will get a "Fabulous Idea", I will have decided to start or join a class to work out. And folks lets just say me working out with a group often ends well bad. I for one am not really all to much of a coordinated individual, and following a group at a fast pace while trying to appear as if I am "OK" is not a great situation.

I have entered into Spinning Class to "Try It". This resulted in me spinning the pedals all sorts of awesome during warm up, but once we got the class going I ended up completely scraping my shin with the pedal that went astray when I lost my balance while trying to wipe the sweat off my face. This resulted in me bleeding, cussing, and oh did I mention making the rest of the class look on as if I had just lost a limb? Folks this was after just being in the class for 8 1/2 min.! And yes I count that last 1/2 of a minute because I am positive that was the time I spent trying untangle myself off of the bike!

Now why did I for a second think that I would be super amazing at a Spinning Class when true story I almost died on a 10 speed? I will tell you why, it was that whole Ooooh Ahhhh It's a New Year high that I was on! See this is my issue! I get stoked over a crazy idea, picture myself doing it with grace, and am positive I can do it.

There was also that one time I thought I could do a "Cleanse" it seemed easy enough, water the first day with only fruit, Second day water and vegi's , and the Third day was a water/tea concoction. Now due to the fact that misery likes company I recruited my little sister to join this sweet idea! We were going to do this, and work out, and fly, and find a unicorn! Oh ya we were going to do oh so many things while becoming Super Healthy!

Mistake number 1: My little sister is Hypoglycemic, as am I! Oh ya so copious amounts of sugar albeit natural sugar can and will cause the following side affects: headaches, dizziness, passing out, oh and shakiness! Not a problem because remember we are soooooo going to do this and oh so much more!

So as you can imagine Day 1 was GREAT!!!

It started with a gleeful trip to the grocery store! Oh berries, apples, oranges, and water lots of water! Ya we ate that fruit and talked about how amazing we were going to look do to this great cleanse!

Our day was well spent working and then reality started to set in when we were both feeling sick and had headaches. We didn't work out, cause we both had hella headaches! We didn't do anything but complain to each other and fall asleep at 9 because we were exhausted! But heck ya we were getting "Healthy".

Mistake number 2: I have to cook for a family of 6. Ya minor oversight. You see I for some idiotic reason thought that I would blissfully cook meals for my family with no issues, while drinking my water and eating my cucumber chips with out a care in the world! I mean because everyone knows you would never want a steak over a cucumber chip!

Day 2 REALITY: I was dying! I woke up with a migraine which was explained away by the psychopath who created this damn Cleanse as a purging of my "Toxins".  Cooking? Oh ya that was super stellar! I was able to make my little family breakfast with some skill due to the fact that the room was moving and for some reason I could not stop spilling the juice, cereal, milk, ya I spilled everything! It was like a horrible inner ear infection mixed with a bit of sea sickness for fun!

I went to work which for the record the fact that I operated a vehicle is a miracle! Of course I discovered that my little sister was in a full on diet cleanse coma because she too was not able to stop the dizzy euphoria that we were in due to lack of any damn food that had protein or friggen calories!

But it was ALL good cause we got to eat vegi's! Ok first of all have you ever plotted the death of a vegetable? Oh really? Ya well I have! As did my little sis! The sight of the carrots almost brought us to tears, the peppers looked like they were seriously plotting against us, and don't get me started on the black olives!

Oh but wait what really rocked was the fact that the detox cleanse Nazi had us thinking that Coconut Water was the bee's knee's! FYI its not!!! What it is was terrible! But we were so starved for anything with taste, that we talked ourselves into believing it was so so good. This of course only lasted 15 min. because the effort we exerted to convince ourselves was exhausting, and we just ended up drinking water.

Now you see we are determined! By golly we were going to do this! Bodily side affects or not we were doing this! So my little sister went home, and slept. I worked in a coma type haze and was exhausted by even the effort to walk! By the time 6 o'clock rolled around I was so ready to die! But alas that was not going to happen cause I got to go home and Cook Dinner!!!!

I cannot honestly tell you what I cooked that night. I do know that I went to bed right after I put my babies to bed. My head was pounding, my body hurt, and did I mention I had no energy? Well I had no energy!

Day 3: This day sucked! There was nothing good about it! Both of us were dying, the room was spinning, and my little sister had to work. I caved and got us just coffee with honey and cinnamon. Here was the problem, the caffeine was beyond too much for our system! We were so so sick! At 4 o'clock I went got us chips and diet cokes! That night we ate real food!

Moral of the story: Cleansing is a tactic that should be used against mortal enemies!

So with the track record that I have with relapse's of New Year's Resolutions, I opted this year to simply do one thing. LIVE.

My "C" Word scare was not resolved until January 8th. I wanted nothing for the New Year but to LIVE. It was truly on January 8th I decided that after hearing I was OK I would LIVE. I am leaping into this New Year Chasing my Dreams like a Crazy Person, Loving my Family, and being Grateful for EVERYTHING and EVERYONE in MY LIFE!

This is the year I will make huge life changes, but all in the name of LIVING! I can not promise that I will not start a crazy diet, or join a crazy athletic class, or that I won't think that there is some crazy health trend that I should start, but I will LIVE!


Friday, January 18, 2013

getting raised by my babies: The "C" Word and no its not C yoU Next Tuesday! Bu...

getting raised by my babies: The "C" Word and no its not C yoU Next Tuesday! Bu...: As you all know I have struggled in my life. I pull no punches is saying that there are events in my life that have not been well my mo...

The "C" Word and no its not C yoU Next Tuesday! But Worse!

As you all know I have struggled in my life. I pull no punches is saying that there are events in my life that have not been well my most favorite, but damn I have learned every lesson that was important during the lowest points in my life.

So when I seemed to be having a basically fairytale ending to a well rocky road of a life. Ah heck lets not sugar coat it, the Divorce which is still epically trying to rear its angry head at every chance, and the unknown life's events that will come your way when you are responsible for the lives of 4 little beings you are sure to be dodging and weaving like a boxer in the ring! And to be quite honest I even laughed with my besti's about how Never Ever Never Ask the Universe "What Next?" because I promise the Universe will answer back loud and clear, and often in most cases with a Life Altering Event. Why? Well because quite frankly I believe God likes to put our booties in check when we continuously doubt him or his presence in our lives.

It was after a pretty stressful month that this very thing happened to me. I had been sad about a dear friend having to move, the awesome ex had reared his ugly little head and the court still had yet to rule 6 months after having to go to court, and well you know when it rains it pours! I went into the doctor because for lack of the right lingo I had a heck of a pain on my left side, and even though I fought going in I ended up finally having to.

Now for those of you that know me I loath needles! I mean really truly it is right up there with my ungodly fear of mice, and may in fact beat it. So when I went in I thought for sure it would be in, out you rock and you just need some antibiotics:) See that is how it should have been! It should have been but alas due to the fact that I don't enter into anything half way it was just not meant to be simple.

After a sweet little 4 hour tour, more needles than in a heroine house (and about the same amount of blood), a wonderful tour through the CAT Scan and we had just oh so much fun! I am hoping you understand that this is dripping with such a large amount of sarcasm that you would have to sport irrigation boots to walk through the first sentence! The fact is this, I have terrible veins! The poor nurses are forewarned by me that I am EXTREMELY hard blood draw, and that yes they may need two people in order to get the needle in. Why? Because for some horrible reason call it murphy's law who knows' but I literally can't stop shaking! My entire body from head to toe shakes, violently! Ya fun right? I mean you can just see the excitement on the poor nurses' face when she has to have one person (ie Joe) hold my legs, and one to hold my hand (Joe cause he has nothing else to do) and often another to hold my arm. I swear I feel horrible about it, and often tell them I am sorry more than a person who falls off the wagon and goes to AA! Oh and did I mention that even when they get the needle in my veins are Total Hater's and will just stop working on a whim? Well they do, why I don't know but I am telling you I have witnessed this happen 4 times in a row to the same poor nurse! I kid you not I have seriously thought of bringing the nurse a bottle of wine so she could at least have a drink on me after this event!

So with the amazing diagnosis that I had a bladder stone well I went home. Ya all of that for a bladder stone! I know I felt jipped too! But oh well it was what it was and I felt fine. The problem was that due to me having an extremely thorough doctor he decided since I had already drank copious amounts of a nasty fluid that they tried claiming tasted like Capri Sun (fyi lie's all lie's) and he already had me in there and there was this sweet background of the "C" word in my past I was really going to need to get a sweet PAP too! Oooohhhh Ahhhhhhh be still my beating heart! I mean come on that was Exactly what I wanted to do! I mean heck what woman doesn't just love the stir-ups? Or the fact that you are paying a person to skip right past dinner and a movie? I mean it was like he just got the golden ticket to my Hello Kitty and I got to pay him! Ya the world is jacked up!

It was with an extremely disgruntled and whining ensued proclamation that this was a bad idea that I submitted (I think it was the whole I am a doctor reasoning that got me). Either way it happened and I was told that the results would be given with a phone call. Yippee! I love waiting! I mean cause waiting often NEVER leads to horrific thoughts, nightmares, or a sinking feeling in your gut!

Well the results came back and ya remember the whole Never and I Mean Never ask the Universe "What Next?' It turns out I should have followed my own rule. Cause because guess what? The Universe decided to through back the boomer rang and hit me straight in the face! It was sooooo not even nice, cause hello I can not catch! 

You know how when you see that the principal is calling you? Because maybe just perhaps he wants to tell you child is a saint and that he just want's your address so he can send you a cookie bouquet. Ya that has never happened to me either. And well this phone call ended about the same as the principle call. "How are you doing today?" Me: "I was doing super stellar til you called, what's up?" (and yes that is what I said you all know I have no filter) "Well you know we got your results, and well I have talked with a Oncologist and we want you to go see him" Me "So the results were not good?" "No, there are some "Bad Cells" Me "Bad Cells, well I am sure that is not good" "No, and we checked you for everything else and you are clean from STD's" Me "Dam, I wish it had just been Chlamydia , cause you can fix those" "Um, (gasp cause I shocked him about my lack of an STD) well you know we just want to act on this aggressively due to your past and hope that you can get better" Me "Ok well lets get the appointment, and go from there. Thank You." "No problem and I will talk to you soon"

This is one of those awesome bit's of news that well often results in tears, screaming, anger, and a few "WTF's". I had to break the news to my husband. We have not been married a year and you know I am an overachiever and I am sure he Totally wanted to do the whole "C" Word convo! I mean cause who doesn't love telling their spouse that you may or may not have this sweet health problem? I know I just LOVE ruining one's day with that kind of news! And I know you are all silently jealous of the fact that I have gotten to do this twice now.

The relaying of news went well! Oh super super awesome. Did I mention that well I am sick? Not like cough cough I have a cold sick but the I have a terrible sick mind and often deal with traumatic events with twisted humor and meanness? Well I do. So when my husband simply spoke out on his concerns I pounced like a tiger with rabies, and did the best "As God as my witness, I don't need a dam thing from you " speech. It was totally a good way to end ruining somebody's day. I told you I am super good at relaying tragic news.

I chose not to share this event with anyone but my closest friends, and mom and dad's on both side. It was for the best that my little one's knew nothing, and my oldest was told only because she is too dang smart for her own good. I prayed, cried with my friends, worried like hell about my children, and to be quite honest threw a temper tantrum on the floor like a 2 year old. I made sick joke disclaimer's to my friends and bless every one of them!!!! I am who I am, and they understood I needed them to listen to my jokes and know deep down I was as so dang frightened I could barely breathe.

"C Day" came and Joe and I went together to the doctor. Just so you know the moment we walked in the building there was a piano playing and not to be snide but it truly felt like this would be what Hell is like. The staff were way nice, but the fact that the waiting room was as scary as one could imagine. There were all stage's of the "C" Word in there and it was going to be a long wait.  I think the sight of the waiting room was too much for both of us and in reaction to this twilight zone we couldn't help but laugh.

Finally it came time for us to go to that sweet exam room. You know the type, no color, beige walls, and no color. If you can remain intact when you enter this room you are stronger than me. I was ready to die. I mean if this was a positive result things were going to change. I wasn't as worried for me as I was my children, my husband, and my baby sister. Oh the worry that my little sister was to hear that once again my life was in limbo, that she would watch first hand again the results of this, well it killed me. I can take ANYTHING! But the stress on the family is something that I can not handle.

The appointment was standard, this is what we are going to do, this is how we are going to do it, and curtain pull. That awkward moment of hey I just met you, now put your legs up and lets get all up in your Hello Kitty (Never mind the fact we are not even on a first name basis!).  Well long story short of all the gory details God is Good! I did not have the "C" Word!!!!!!!  And yes I wanted to hug the doctor, but the dang stirrups well they make things like that really freaky!!!

Joe and I celebrated dodging the bullet at Rib & Chop and that was the first meal and beer I had tasted in over a month!

Thank You to all of you who knew, those of you who didn't but kept me in your prayers, and to my closest friends who I know felt the pain and the relief just as much as I did. I love you all and truly feel blessed to have you all in my life!

Wednesday, January 16, 2013


Ah so it came about that Joe in all his sweetness and I decided that yes in fact we would be married. The deal though was the "someday". You see there was a bit of bitterness in my mouth after the first turn of events. And for some reason yours truly was not to thrilled at the whole idea of re-offending again.

Don't get me wrong the guy was fabulous! He loved the kids, loved me, and loved my family. I mean for having all his bases covered he truly had taken care of business. But alas I was often heard when asked when we were getting married responding "Oh I don't know we will probably just get married on a Tuesday". You see I wasn't swooning over bride magazine's, or even swooning over locations, colors, dresses, pretty much was not a swooner. Which for a girl who love's nothing more than just dressing up, eating and drinking in a great venue was a bit off for me.

My friends joked about how I was the guy and my Joe was the girl! He was wanting a date for the wedding and I was the queen of avoidance on the topic. I mean why rush things? It was good the way things were, and quite frankly my past showed me that investing every part of my heart, and soul into someone didn't well turn out all to well.

You see there are things in this life that will turn even the deepest romantic against the idea of marriage. I don't believe I was anti my relationship I was simply anti the final vow. To swear to make yourself and another person tied together FOREVER is well a BIG DEAL!!!! Plus I wasn't that young jaded girl anymore that mistakenly entrusted my life in somebody else's hands. You can only imagine the long convo's with the girlfriends on this matter!

But on a Wednesday night in our garage while looking at Joe's chopper frame (he is building a chopper!) Joe looked at me and said "Hell I would marry you tomorrow! I have always said that!" I looked at him and joshed him and said "Ya right" and that is when the event of the year was started. The next morning Joe say's to me when I get up "So did you call the court house?" Me "Ya that would be a negative ghost rider, if you want to get married you call them" (Charming as always right?) Well the big surprise was ya he wanted too! So he called made an appointment with the judge and it began.

Joe Enos and Amber Patterson were married in the Red Lodge Court House on April 5, 2012. The bride wore a white dress with green polka dots, and the groom wore a black shirt and pants. The bride was given away by their son Aiden who sported a Mohawk. It was a small ceremony which was watched by the children and the grooms parents. It was DIVINE!

The bride and the groom celebrated with margarita's and hot wings at Bogart's with their family and friends! Later that summer we held a reception for the families and it was great!

So I guess never say never. And maybe just maybe your heart's dreams will come true, despite you;)



Tuesday, January 15, 2013

It's a Crazy Life

Hello my wonderful blog followers!!!! I was FINALLY able to access my blog!!! For some reason I believe that Bill Gate's may or may not be involved in the infiltration of my blog and has kept me out!(paranoid?slightly)

Much has happened this year. So for the following few weeks we will discuss the following:

1.) Holding a Child Back for a extra year
2.) Marriage
3.) New Business Venture
4.) Crazy New Years Resolutions

You see there is much to cover oh, and let's not forget the nasty C word has made an appearance this year too. We will go over all that is crazy in my life and of course cover much much more from my crazy life!