Friday, April 29, 2011

What the Ficas!!!!

OK so I pride myself on well being organized, prepared and ready for all that I do but during the past month we have been hit with family emergency room visits, holidays(stupid rabbit) , and working more than normal. So it was uber shocking to me today while talking with a gal about an event that I am MCing for that oh surprise it is this Sunday!

You see I had for some reason put it in my phone and calendar for the Sunday after this and oh shocker it is this Sunday!!!! How in the heck did I do that? I shall first blame the extra incidents of the month, sight early setting in Alshemiers and then go with when all else fails blaming it on the four little full time jobs that I have at home. (mature I know)

So after picking my jaw off the floor, calling and texting my dear dear friends and begging for their hot little bodies to model for Sunday, I then had to contend with what to put them in! Oh ya and did I mention that I had double booked myself and am also supposed to be in Billings with my guy, and the babies to watch him race? Oh ya I am supposed to transport myself there in time to see his race! Where in the world is Spock when you need him and his fancy ship? I just can't do it Captain I can't do it! insert strong Scottish accent please. I mean hello I may be super mom but a little help here from the Trekkie's would be Greatly Appreciated! I could totally rock their little jump suits and heck I would even be nice to the Klenon's, and Shatner would so love my enthusiasm!

Oh and did I mention that do to my sweet scheduling abilities I will have to show up late for the races, and oh did I mention that I will be doing the show probably til 2! I mean can anyone one please bring me a paper bag, shot of vodka, and a Valium? Cause I am going to need them!!!!

Now due to the fact that I have multi tasking OCDs  I have managed to pick outfits for all, stop my hyperventilating without a paper bag, and am now just dreading the let down of telling my family that I will have to be late coming to the races. I have some ideas on how to do this so tell me what you think.

A) Make FABULOUS dinner, dessert, and tell them when the are almost comatose from eating too much.

B) Tell them we are going to Disney Land, and then during their excitement whisper I am going to be late to the races.

C) Grab bottle of wine, bottle of Extra Strength Tylenol, and just tell them quick like when you take off a band-aide and hope that the shrapnel doesn't hit me in the face (I am a cute girl we don't want scars!)

So today while you all celebrate the wonderful feel of it being a Friday, remember Miss Amber here in Lil Montana and say a Lil prayer for me! Lord knows I will need one! Also if you see me on FOX News with the title Montana Woman pummels actor from Star Trek sighting that he wouldn't share his transporter. Just know the real reason behind my actions! And please send me letters in prison :)

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Say What?

OH we have a very funny little moment as mothers, all of us well at least all of us that are willing to admit it . (insert wink) You see all of us have that moment in the beginning of motherhood that as well can only be described as sheer panic, shock, and to be perfectly honest horror.

Now don't tell me oh it was the most Phenomenal moment of my life when they handed me that perfect little pink faced bundle o' joy. Because ladies first I have had my share of newborns and lets just say it as it is. First they are not all precious at birth (my first had a black eye due to my pelvic bone, my second closely resembled an orangutan, the third was perfect due to her baking longer than the other two, and well the lil guy could have been born a cone head I still would have oohed and ahhhhed over him) Now I say this with love but also with honesty. They all scared the tar out of me! Why? Why? Well because news flash its not like you just got a new pair of shoes! You my dear have just been handed a LIFE. I don't care how well planned or prepared you thought you were, because the moment that they hand you that lil being in all their unbelievably , over powering amazement you are not ready.

I am not talking about having the house, the nursery, the car seat, the right blankets , and going home accessories. I mean if that was all we mother's had to worry about hell to the ya I would be like, "Oh it was the most Phenomenal Moment Ever!".  Lets be honest, they have entrusted you with this little being and might I add you got that little bundle without having to do any paper work, test, or even applying for a permit. I mean ladies we do more to get our driver's licenses!

It is at the moment that I was handed my little one's that I was Scared to Death. I won't sugar coat this, it was the most frightening thing that I have had, and still have to contend with daily. You see to take the Little Tike enjoyment train and say that those first weeks, months, and years of parenting are so fabulous, and without doubt, fear, and anxiety , well I say first "Where is the Kool Aide you are drinking" and "Do they deliver?"

Why are you so negative? Negative? Negitory on that one Ghost Rider, realistic and aware Guilty. Here is why. You see I will be honest. I well in real honest get to know you like Barbara Walter's on 20/20 sort of way, had a less than positive childhood. To say neglect, abuse, and abandonment happen yes. To say I was close to my mother no (unless you count knowing all of her personal problems, fights with family, step dad, and money problems etc). Now this is why you may say that I was so scared of being a mother, and well you would be half right. The other half is this. I am not perfect. There I said it! Nope I am not perfect, I don't always have the right answer, I don't know Everything, and well heck there are certain things that I should not be in control of. I mean it felt like I was back in PE and waiting to be killed by the hurling dodge ball!

So to say I took to being a mother with grace not so much. I knew what she needed , and the basics of how to care for her but to be a good mother frightened me. You see we all have been around those friends whose mothers were the BEST. You know those mother's, they are on all the right committee's, their hair is always fixed, make up perfect, their children are perfect and so are their homes. And well to be quite honest at 19 with my first that was scarier than a raccoon on a rampage with rabies in your kitchen!

And what was worse was the other mother's who gave that advice! I mean really? I can not even tell you how many times I heard from women that they just Loved to Iron! (Who loves to iron? its like Chinese water torture!) Or the ones who just couldn't think of not having little Janie not having fresh organic homemade baby food! Here is the deal-i-oso , first we say crap like that because it makes us feel like the forty five minutes of peeling, cooking, and pureeing our baby's carrots for them to spit out on the tray and instead opt for the dang cheerios COUNT! I have done it all from the organic make my own baby food, to the staying up and baking, frosting, decorating, and individually packaging cupcakes with flipping curling ribbon for a Valentines day full of 3 school parties! You know what I envied the mom who said screw it and bought M&M's!

It is through the stage of the first 5 years of mommy initiation that we discover there are only 3 things that really matter. 1- They know they are LOVED 2-They can depend on YOU 3- You will ALWAYS be THERE. That is IT. I know, I know grab your coffee , sit down, and BREATHE! Ladies the hard facts are just those three little items. You see if you look back as a child you will always remember the bad first, the good second, and the damn cup cakes in pink baggies don't even come up. Why? Because we are all human, and once you realize that being a mommy though with its bouts of Martha Stewart I can do it better moments, is just those 3 things you will be a REAL MOMMY.

Beave home. That last one is HARD! Girls its like dealing with Jenny Craig on your shoulder heckling you with that sequins donning Richard Simmons screaming to Sweat to the Oldies! But it can be done. You see I have perfected the escape hatch (aka bathroom) , when my little darlings have done something that has me searching for a Comet Can like Joan Crawford I go to the bathroom lock myself in, and don't leave til I can see straight, am not breathing like I ran a marathon, and don't have the urge to yell. My children bless their lil hearts recognize this maneuver  and know that it is for the best for all involved especially for the one to two children that have sent me there.

I tried self help books, self healing books, and the you are OK books. Truth be told I could open up a library with the books I bought for parenting. But all I ever found were unrealistic techniques, and to be honest they were often boring, not for real mother's in the trench's with two toddlers , a child genius and two dogs, and a uninvolved spouse. They were for the cornucopia utopia families that were all perfect, did perfect things, and had children who I swear were aliens! I mean really what do you do when the oldest grows mold in your purse in her closet, the second child cuts the youngest hair into a bonafide redneck mullet, and the big dog chews up the porch swing, while the little dog uses your house plants like fire hydrants? And ya they do it all in the same day, while you are supposed to be braiding their hair while they sing church hymns and you prepare home cooked meals, do your hair, makeup , and get dressed! I mean girls there are three years in which I remember literally finding cheerios in my hair on a daily basis, and the only adult convo I had was when I bought coffee!

To give a mother unrealistic just go to your happy place techniques is not going to work. I mean honey it was a good day if everyone was in one piece by dinner, I had a ponytail, and got to change my shirt! That is why after trying to wade through the perfect mother stigmas that so many of us have been given I decided that I was just going to parent by doing the complete opposite of my own mother, keep sanity by remembering these lil ones were not even close to the same, and using more sarcastic puns then you will hear from Chelsea Lately!  Plus heck if I was going to be a mommy I was going to do it my way and well be me. I can't pretend I have it all together all the time and why should I? I mean heck the last thing you need as a mom on top of all the other responsibility's you have, is to have to act too! Hello we are not getting paid for this gig and quite frankly why torture yourself?

So in saying this remember mommy's of the world you are not alone! We are all there with you, and heck if it makes you feel better read my fun tales of children of the crypt and hug your own little darlings!

Saturday, April 23, 2011

School Days

First let me just say that there are those certain milestones that you reach with your children that are well great and painless and others that are comparable to contractions. (ya I know I am all class ;)

At a girls night with my besties which is the best therapy known to man! I mean heck throw some champagne, goodies, and girl talk and I truly believe it is worth its weight in gold and a whole hella cheaper too! Well it is on these nights that us busy ladies often end up laughing till we can't breathe and we even delve into past experiences. I know we are very talented!

Well me and one of my girls are going to be facing the first day of Kindergarten for our youngest chillens and well it is so funny on how different this experience can be from the first to the last. You see as always our oldest girls were not only ready but well heck they were so excited to spread their lil wings that there was only tears from the mama's and the girls were off and running. But it is a whole new game when you deal with the youngest. I for one and just hoping for a bit of a calmer first day rather than what it was when I took my darling Aubry. (enter second child, and queen of middle child syndrome)

You see it was through our reminiscing that I was reminded of the sweet and darling way my lil Aubry christened that Kindergarten classroom, Principal , and teacher all on her first day in school. It was a great day, the sun was shining she was in the cutest lil outfit ever, and sporting amazing pig tails. (this girl has GREAT hair)

So upon bringing her into the classroom I was so proud of my lil angel and couldn't wait to watch her blossom just like her big sis. (mistake #1 comparing siblings) So I got her supplies out, we found her spot, and when we went to hang up her jacket and backpack, she said calmly "So when I am ready to come home I will do something big" (clue one that this girl had no intention of staying in school the full day) I simply brushed off this comment and left feeling very confident that this was just a great day all around.(mistake#2 underestimating the awesome power of miss aubry)

You see this day started a slew of days that well I became aware that my girl was not a thing like her oldest sister and that when the principal has you on speed dial on his private cell phone him and his secretary's need coffee brought to them daily.

It was on the first day that with out skipping a beat she promptly after lunch decided she was done with this Kindergarten gig and pulled the plug on the water table, thus flooding the classroom and ending her up in the principals office and my first phone call from the principal. And let me tell you I know that principals are great but why do you start your convo's with "Hi, Amber this is insert name. How is your day going?" I mean seriously? Well to be quite honest it was flipping sweet, til you called!"

I mean really what in the free world do they expect you to say? Oh fabulous and its even better since I get to hear your amazing voice! Hell to the no dude! Lets be honest the reason they call is A) your kid is in trouble, B) there is an injury or C)Your child is taking hostages in the library!

It was with these calls that first year that I learned quite a bit about my lil Aubry. She has skills to be an excellent lawyer, and negotiator, and if there is a job in the military that allows her to use mind manipulation while distracting them with her lil precious moments look of innocence this girl is bound to go far! I also learned that the constant pounding in her head that lying was not allowed did help though often got her in trouble at school. And that she had a heart of gold!

You see bless her lil heart she is the carbon copy of her mommy, but with self confidence that I envy. You see often her principal visits had a pattern. If a boy messed with her big sister she was going to take them out! And do to her no lying policy would fully admit to not only pushing the boy down but also kicking him while he was down to prove her point of don't mess with my sister. If somebody was bullying another classmate about not having nice shoes or clothes she would come home and demand we get them the needed item or she was going to give her own shoes and clothes to them.

It is with this redeeming quality of total loving and acceptance that she is truly the most giving person I know. It was during that first year at Kindergarten that she worked for 2 weeks straight to earn money to buy a girl in her class a winter coat, mitten, hat, and boots because the girls family was unable to do this. What made it so special was that she wanted the girl to not know she did it! She simply went in early that day put all the items on her hook and watched at the excitement when the lil girl found them. You see though I may have seen that Principal and his secretary's more than any of my other friends and family that year I would never change that year for anything!

I find that if we take a step back from the situation we will often see that the intent of our children is not that of being bad but rather their way of standing up for or defending good. Now don't think for a minute that she is perfect and that I praise her for being bad, but I do make sure that I have all sides of the situation before I log onto craigslist and post her up for top bidder.

She is so her own lil person!

Friday, April 22, 2011

When you can shake it, shake it!

Now I am a young mom. No I didn't have my babies at 10 but you know at the responsible age of 19 duh! I was also married so don't judge. Saying this there are things that I have come to understand that are just well not protocol for all mothers.

For instance when I take my 13 year old to school I can get away with screaming out the window "I love you, make good choices". To which she will scream back "I love you too, just like dirty socks" , oh what a doll. But I have watched other mothers simply yell "Don't forget to go to my office after school" to which the response is of the children putting their heads down, and doing the weird look over to the kid next to them and looking at them like oh man is that your mom? There are other incidents such as if I show up to get her from school and decide to cat call her while she is walking to the car, she often stops and struts like she is on a catwalk.

I love hanging out with my kiddos and often I find it is so much funner to do this with music. So it is nothing to walk in our home and the radio to be blaring and me and my kids shaking it like we are at a club. Now do not get confused by me having fun with my kids, and the not being a parent line. I am the mom, they are my minions and I am in charge (most of the time). But I am also not that mom that throws the kegers at their house using the whole "I would rather have them drink where I know they are safe". Hell to the No on that !

That is strictly not considered parenting and quite frankly I don't need anymore friends. Not to mention it would just be creepy if my daughter got her drink on with my permission! This is becoming one of the impeding situations that are on our horizon. You see unless you live under a rock you are aware that kids are starting to drink, and experiment with drugs younger and younger. They even hosted a survey of the middle schoolers to see what the stats are for drugs, drinking, and sex in the schools.

Thus far my oldest bless her heart is still totally virgin on all accounts. She may make off colored jokes on drugs, drug dealers, and sweat shop kids making crack but she is completely unaware of many of the decisions of her peers. I for one have opted for total disclosure with her on a need to know basis. For example if she asks "Did you wait for marriage?" I smile sweetly and say well now honey if I had been that smart do you think I would have been lucky enough to marry the sperm donor?  See honest, harsh, but reality.  I know you are all like "Oh my gosh she admitted to being human! There goes the parent respect right out the window! Oh get your panties out of a wad, first of all do any of you remember the extreme shock and horror when you realized your parents were jacked up like polio? I mean hello!

Its like finding out your June Cleaver mom was a stripper at Shotgun Willies when she was in her twenty's! Not to mention the fact that why should I pretend to have been a model teen? I mean hello being a teen is hard enough with hormones, mean girls, and the whole who am I deal why put unrealistic idol worship on me too? Plus I am also happy with the fact that my house is the favorite for slumber parties, sleep overs, and hang out spot. Why? Well I am involved. I play the dance dance game on Wii, I run with them while shooting them down with silly string, and yes I am even guilty of being the mom shaking it with the girls while dancing in my living room. I am approachable, non judgemental, and human and they love that. So if you feel there is a awkward feeling with you and your teen try remembering being a teen, and sympathize with their issues at school and friends too.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Ebay and Craigslist are lookin like an option for disipline

So girls you know those moments as a mother you look at your offspring and wonder where in the ficus did they come from? Now don't go getting all high and mighty on me ladies, we have all been there when our children have driven us insane! I am just honest enough to talk about it.(that's why you love me)

This weekend was truly no exception. It was one of those evenings that when I thought all was good in the land of la,  they became lil chucky doll remakes and I swear I heard the music from the exorcist in the background! You see why would we want to stay in bed? Or heck who needs rules? I mean honestly why wouldn't you want to climb on your headboard and chill on the ledge by your window at 9 at night? I mean HELLO that is what all the cool kids are doing! And heck throw in the fact that my 9 year old was serenading her younger sister's voyage up mount saint window sill and you have a full blown Broadway show!

You see this is were I know my children are truly one of a kind! I mean come on folks they have theme music to their exploits and actions of defiance! How many of you can say that not only are the actions of your children narrated, but narrated  by song? Ya I know I am soooo lucky! And truth be told I often feel as if either I have been blessed with such highly animated children due to the fact that God wanted to highlight the fact that I haven't seen nothing yet, and well rubbing it in my face that the teen years are going to require a door dispenser of vicodon and kool-aide spiked with a little mind nummer like grey goose. (just drink the kool-aide the sign will read, and take this and you will grow taller. ring a bell anyone?)

So it may come as a shock to you all that I would not even gawk at the scene and the true shock and amazement on my fiance's face when he came up to report this behavior to me. (I mean it was just the night before that the oldest was using her blanket from the top bunk as a whip, and the youngest was acting like a horse!true story!) After hearing the shocking tale of the crazy chanting and singing of the two lil imps and the true spectacle that was to be awaiting me upon my decent into the basement, I did what all good mothers do took a sip of my drink and prepared to take on the role of Simon Cowell in American Idol. I mean really it takes a lot to rattle the cage for me, I have a small daycare people! This is old news to me, nothing and I do mean nothing really tends to shock or amaze me.

And I was just not really all that impressed by their lack of creativity and , HA crazy Paula wasn't there to under mind me! After walking in on what I believe to be the second part of the show(I am always fashionably late ) The youngest had moved to the closet, and was belting her little heart out to a rendition of I believe the song is called "I don't want to go to sleep so I will sing all about it", and the oldest was trying to play a Grammy nominee performance of "I am innocent, and was sleeping, no really mommy (insert batting eyes, and a face of an angel). Now I am not a typical mom (maybe that is the reason for the non-typical kids) any how after explaining to my cherubs that there are sweat camps were they are dying to have little girls who love to stay up and work all night and that it was 3 simple key strokes on the computer to post their sweet sweat shop skills they quickly understood that mommy was going to  eBay them before they could even get into their final act of the the show and decided to go to bed. (very smart on their part)

Some may frown on the fact that I use sarcasm and humor with my children but here is the deal-i-oso, I am out numbered 4-1 and if you haven't noticed these are not your average children that I am contending with. I mean that is why I have the emergency protocol for when the house is quite, 1-3 children is MIA, and believe you me there is cold vodka in the freezer to settle mommy's nerves once the situation has been evaded, discovered, or survived. (truth be told it is often moments such as these that I find myself cracking up inside)

For example my youngest bless his heart is going thru the my older sister's are soooo easy to blame for all mischief that I get into and even for world issues such as world hunger, and war. Now I kid you not this lil guy will look you square in the eyes and say that it was in fact his sister's fault that the bathroom counter, mirror, toilet, and floor are painted with water colors. (Even if she is at school) Of course this is normal for the younger children to do , but what I love is how he will take credit for making me strawberries, bread, and even my toothpaste if it tickles his fancy just to ensure that he has mommy around his little finger.

To say that my children are challenging is like saying Oprah is popular. They are a funny little brood of rug rat's that I love and adore, and by god am going to go grey prematurely for during their teen years (give me a break people I will have a senior, junior, and freshman all at the same time!) . And don't you think for a minute that I am not working on the Armageddon Game Plan for that situation! It is comical to me due to the fact that my girl that will be the senior is going to also be the one that will smile while I sit in the Superintendent's Office and try to explain how I had no idea she had printed fliers for the Senior Keg she is promoting, when she passes them out like crack in the ghetto during school hours of course. I mean heck if Dr. Phil is real or up for a real challenge I double dog dare him to come to my house. P.S. Super Nanny would check herself into a psyche ward after her first encounter of the mighty Minni's !

So go forth, laugh at my life, and say a prayer when you see a young girl with four children walking down the street with all of them in matching harnesses, and leashes, all color coordinated of course!

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Triple Shot Mountain Mornings

Ah nothing is better than waking up and being able to see the mountains from your deck! This morning was great because not only did I get some one on one time with my fiance but I also was able to have a leisurely breakfast with my lil ones too! Nothing says Saturday like French Toast, Bacon, and O.J.
This morning was extra funny tho due to the amazing A you see he has become his own lil person and cracks me up all the time! Today as I was making breakfast he comes up the stairs and announces that he found his long lost hamster toy (much to my chagrin) and that they both love me! Ah melt my heart!
But the thing that is so humorous is the fact that he believes he is an Ace Storyteller! Oh ya folks he will regale us all with his adventures in Lego's and Dirt biking, as long as he has his sister's there egging him on lol
My favorite part of the story telling is the way he ends all his stories with "And they lived happy ever after forever and ever amen" You've got to love the way little ones pick up on even the littlest phrases that they hear daily.
So today will be a great day with work fun and just plain life!