Friday, January 18, 2013

The "C" Word and no its not C yoU Next Tuesday! But Worse!

As you all know I have struggled in my life. I pull no punches is saying that there are events in my life that have not been well my most favorite, but damn I have learned every lesson that was important during the lowest points in my life.

So when I seemed to be having a basically fairytale ending to a well rocky road of a life. Ah heck lets not sugar coat it, the Divorce which is still epically trying to rear its angry head at every chance, and the unknown life's events that will come your way when you are responsible for the lives of 4 little beings you are sure to be dodging and weaving like a boxer in the ring! And to be quite honest I even laughed with my besti's about how Never Ever Never Ask the Universe "What Next?" because I promise the Universe will answer back loud and clear, and often in most cases with a Life Altering Event. Why? Well because quite frankly I believe God likes to put our booties in check when we continuously doubt him or his presence in our lives.

It was after a pretty stressful month that this very thing happened to me. I had been sad about a dear friend having to move, the awesome ex had reared his ugly little head and the court still had yet to rule 6 months after having to go to court, and well you know when it rains it pours! I went into the doctor because for lack of the right lingo I had a heck of a pain on my left side, and even though I fought going in I ended up finally having to.

Now for those of you that know me I loath needles! I mean really truly it is right up there with my ungodly fear of mice, and may in fact beat it. So when I went in I thought for sure it would be in, out you rock and you just need some antibiotics:) See that is how it should have been! It should have been but alas due to the fact that I don't enter into anything half way it was just not meant to be simple.

After a sweet little 4 hour tour, more needles than in a heroine house (and about the same amount of blood), a wonderful tour through the CAT Scan and we had just oh so much fun! I am hoping you understand that this is dripping with such a large amount of sarcasm that you would have to sport irrigation boots to walk through the first sentence! The fact is this, I have terrible veins! The poor nurses are forewarned by me that I am EXTREMELY hard blood draw, and that yes they may need two people in order to get the needle in. Why? Because for some horrible reason call it murphy's law who knows' but I literally can't stop shaking! My entire body from head to toe shakes, violently! Ya fun right? I mean you can just see the excitement on the poor nurses' face when she has to have one person (ie Joe) hold my legs, and one to hold my hand (Joe cause he has nothing else to do) and often another to hold my arm. I swear I feel horrible about it, and often tell them I am sorry more than a person who falls off the wagon and goes to AA! Oh and did I mention that even when they get the needle in my veins are Total Hater's and will just stop working on a whim? Well they do, why I don't know but I am telling you I have witnessed this happen 4 times in a row to the same poor nurse! I kid you not I have seriously thought of bringing the nurse a bottle of wine so she could at least have a drink on me after this event!

So with the amazing diagnosis that I had a bladder stone well I went home. Ya all of that for a bladder stone! I know I felt jipped too! But oh well it was what it was and I felt fine. The problem was that due to me having an extremely thorough doctor he decided since I had already drank copious amounts of a nasty fluid that they tried claiming tasted like Capri Sun (fyi lie's all lie's) and he already had me in there and there was this sweet background of the "C" word in my past I was really going to need to get a sweet PAP too! Oooohhhh Ahhhhhhh be still my beating heart! I mean come on that was Exactly what I wanted to do! I mean heck what woman doesn't just love the stir-ups? Or the fact that you are paying a person to skip right past dinner and a movie? I mean it was like he just got the golden ticket to my Hello Kitty and I got to pay him! Ya the world is jacked up!

It was with an extremely disgruntled and whining ensued proclamation that this was a bad idea that I submitted (I think it was the whole I am a doctor reasoning that got me). Either way it happened and I was told that the results would be given with a phone call. Yippee! I love waiting! I mean cause waiting often NEVER leads to horrific thoughts, nightmares, or a sinking feeling in your gut!

Well the results came back and ya remember the whole Never and I Mean Never ask the Universe "What Next?' It turns out I should have followed my own rule. Cause because guess what? The Universe decided to through back the boomer rang and hit me straight in the face! It was sooooo not even nice, cause hello I can not catch! 

You know how when you see that the principal is calling you? Because maybe just perhaps he wants to tell you child is a saint and that he just want's your address so he can send you a cookie bouquet. Ya that has never happened to me either. And well this phone call ended about the same as the principle call. "How are you doing today?" Me: "I was doing super stellar til you called, what's up?" (and yes that is what I said you all know I have no filter) "Well you know we got your results, and well I have talked with a Oncologist and we want you to go see him" Me "So the results were not good?" "No, there are some "Bad Cells" Me "Bad Cells, well I am sure that is not good" "No, and we checked you for everything else and you are clean from STD's" Me "Dam, I wish it had just been Chlamydia , cause you can fix those" "Um, (gasp cause I shocked him about my lack of an STD) well you know we just want to act on this aggressively due to your past and hope that you can get better" Me "Ok well lets get the appointment, and go from there. Thank You." "No problem and I will talk to you soon"

This is one of those awesome bit's of news that well often results in tears, screaming, anger, and a few "WTF's". I had to break the news to my husband. We have not been married a year and you know I am an overachiever and I am sure he Totally wanted to do the whole "C" Word convo! I mean cause who doesn't love telling their spouse that you may or may not have this sweet health problem? I know I just LOVE ruining one's day with that kind of news! And I know you are all silently jealous of the fact that I have gotten to do this twice now.

The relaying of news went well! Oh super super awesome. Did I mention that well I am sick? Not like cough cough I have a cold sick but the I have a terrible sick mind and often deal with traumatic events with twisted humor and meanness? Well I do. So when my husband simply spoke out on his concerns I pounced like a tiger with rabies, and did the best "As God as my witness, I don't need a dam thing from you " speech. It was totally a good way to end ruining somebody's day. I told you I am super good at relaying tragic news.

I chose not to share this event with anyone but my closest friends, and mom and dad's on both side. It was for the best that my little one's knew nothing, and my oldest was told only because she is too dang smart for her own good. I prayed, cried with my friends, worried like hell about my children, and to be quite honest threw a temper tantrum on the floor like a 2 year old. I made sick joke disclaimer's to my friends and bless every one of them!!!! I am who I am, and they understood I needed them to listen to my jokes and know deep down I was as so dang frightened I could barely breathe.

"C Day" came and Joe and I went together to the doctor. Just so you know the moment we walked in the building there was a piano playing and not to be snide but it truly felt like this would be what Hell is like. The staff were way nice, but the fact that the waiting room was as scary as one could imagine. There were all stage's of the "C" Word in there and it was going to be a long wait.  I think the sight of the waiting room was too much for both of us and in reaction to this twilight zone we couldn't help but laugh.

Finally it came time for us to go to that sweet exam room. You know the type, no color, beige walls, and no color. If you can remain intact when you enter this room you are stronger than me. I was ready to die. I mean if this was a positive result things were going to change. I wasn't as worried for me as I was my children, my husband, and my baby sister. Oh the worry that my little sister was to hear that once again my life was in limbo, that she would watch first hand again the results of this, well it killed me. I can take ANYTHING! But the stress on the family is something that I can not handle.

The appointment was standard, this is what we are going to do, this is how we are going to do it, and curtain pull. That awkward moment of hey I just met you, now put your legs up and lets get all up in your Hello Kitty (Never mind the fact we are not even on a first name basis!).  Well long story short of all the gory details God is Good! I did not have the "C" Word!!!!!!!  And yes I wanted to hug the doctor, but the dang stirrups well they make things like that really freaky!!!

Joe and I celebrated dodging the bullet at Rib & Chop and that was the first meal and beer I had tasted in over a month!

Thank You to all of you who knew, those of you who didn't but kept me in your prayers, and to my closest friends who I know felt the pain and the relief just as much as I did. I love you all and truly feel blessed to have you all in my life!