Monday, May 23, 2011

Quad Shot with Big Gulp Straw!!!!

Its got a BIG GULP STRAW!!!

So there are those days in which you may think you very well might die with out the aid of a good quad shot or heck just go for the straight IV of caffeine! Today was one of those days. You see I am an addict to the show Deadliest Catch (don't judge) and well I found myself sucked into a full on marathon of this Lil gem of a show last night til wee hours in the a.m. 2:45 to be exact. Add the fact my favorite show was on, and my guy was everly so great and served me wine with the marathon and well one of two things can happen bad headache in the a.m. and lack of sleep makes mama mean :) Have I ever mentioned the fact that I am a self proclaimed caffeine addict? Oh well I am. You see some people go through the whole denial phase of addiction I on the other hand grab the triple shot with both hands and drink like my life depends on it! Ya me and the Adkins folks would not be besti's.

To say the least this morning was well best to be described as torture, with a long WalHell checkout line matched with two screaming toddlers. You get the analogy folks it was not a photo perfect event, and quite frankly I was like Chelsea Handler minus her midget and vodka! So while trying to function on the house coffee aka sorry excuse for the real deal! I mean really ladies when you like your shot o' espresso the whole house coffee is really like being told Sprite is the same as Diet Coke, a lie and a sorry excuse for the real thing. Now my little brain was proclaiming war on me and rightfully so it needed sleep and so did the body, so getting the hair all fantabulous was like looking for a bikini after a four day eat all you want buffet, time consuming and you feel disgusting after the third trip to the dessert line.

Truthfully the getting dressed part was really going to become optional if I thought for one second I could get away with sporting my boxers and tank to the work place. I mean come on I would add some necklaces, a fun ring, heck I would Polly Anna the hell out of the ensemble if it meant I didn't have to get dressed! Alas the world was not going to understand my sweet dress code today so a skirt, heels, top, and jewelry had to happen. (i know, i know, i was bummed too)

Now after what can only be compared to the feeling of getting ready for the Apocalypse it was finally time to get in the car and get my booty to the coffee kiosk which is everly so conveniently at the bottom of the hill from my Lil house(praise be to GOD). Whether I looked as bad as I thought, or maybe it was divine intervention but my coffee gall busted out the most amazing little gift of wonder on me! She handed me my Quad Shot, Massive, Carmel, Vanilla, Macchiato with... pause for effect... A RED BIG GULP STRAW!!!! OK so after laughing til I couldn't breathe, or see through the tears, I thanked my coffee girl and promised her when I make it big I will remember her! I mean come on ladies what coffee girl do you know can take one look at you and give you the cure?

I swear to you this was better than a straight IV of caffeine! First it eliminated the whole needle issue's I have, and it even made it so people didn't question my sanity. Gosh they act like nobody gets their caffeine from IV's sheeesh. But it also frightened me. You see the reality of handing an addict like me the quad shot with a big gulp straw, is well the equivalent of giving a heroine addict the spoon, needle, and heroine all ready to go! To be totally honest it was like being given the key to the White House to a teen  and saying go crazy!

I kid you not I went all sorts of  productive! I was charming, and delightful at work, I mean heck I had a quad shot with a Big Gulp Straw! Plus to add to my excitement was the UPS gal! I got to totally brag to her about this amazing wonder and she was uber excited too! Not to mention can you imagine what this means for over worked, over tired, mommy's all over the world? You too can solve all your fatigue issues with a massive quad shot in what ever flavor you adore and demand the big gulp straw! This little change in my coffee drinking has opened my little mine up to an instant rush of caffeine, and who doesn't just love that?

There is only one issue. The caffeine high which is divine is also met with well what could be very well be a overdose reaction. Breathe its not like I was itching non-existent bugs off my face, but I did become everyly so light headed, and found myself digging a spoon into a jar of peanut butter to counteract the rush of pure caffeine with protein. Oh don't get all dramatic, just keep a Lil jar of JIFF in your Prada and all will be right in the land of la. I mean hello you can just put that in there with the wet wipes, cheerios, and fruit snacks.

So men, woman, childcare givers', nannies, and those who deal with just day to day life go to your coffee kiosk or shop and order you next coffee of choice but don't forget the Big Gulp straw for those extra hard to get through days!

Get your lil pick me up today! We shall call it the Miss Amber Macchiato with BG Straw!

Friday, May 20, 2011

The Rapture = Get the H out of Dodge!

So not to be a total hater but here is what one must wonder. If we are to in fact get to have a "Get out Jail" card I really want to know where in the ficus my card went?

I mean here is the deal-i-oso, I would think first God would well see the four little mites that he has given to sweet Lil ol me and send me a VIP pass! From the mere fact that I am pretty sure there is going to be no release from the raising of the little clan I have already sent him an I understand your position e-mail and hopefully this will work to my advantage for if he really has chosen to raise up his followers with out in fact including me. Not to be obnoxious but we are all fully aware of the fact that well me and God are tight, tho there may be some different views on decorating, either way one must think that it would be to his advantage to have a gal like me in his corner.

Though the news coverage on the Rapture has been stellar! I mean the New York Times busted out a article on a family being split in two because of the rapture. My favorite part of the article was the fact that they were split due to the kids wanting to go to a party, and the parents sighting the rapture for their reason to say NO! That is creative parenting, I mean heck who knew we could start using evangelical reasons to say no? I for one am going to institute this practice I mean think of the possibility's?

No you can't go outside in the rain, we need to build an Arc first! or No you can not marry her don't you remember the issues with Jezebel? or What do you mean you can't find your brother? You sold him into slavery because you wanted his IPhone didn't you?

To say that this would work with my children well that is still in debate, tho my favorite comment was from Miss ShelbyLee when I said I thought God promised to never flood the earth again since we have more rain coming down for 3 days in a row and she responded "Um, ya so I think that our contract is up mom the Rapture is tomorrow!" That girl she so funny!

The big issue I have with the Rapture is the fact that I am positive Oprah so would have went head on into some super hype on the subject if she herself wasn't already planning her exit. Take that into consideration and you may freak yourself out! No Oprah, AHHHHHHH the world is coming to an end hehehe.

Not to mention I must say I am well a bit jealous of those that are making bank on this Lil deal. I mean heck if I new people would be willing to hand over money for the facts they read on a billboard I so would have capitalized on this! But now I have to hurry and get T-shirts made to sell for how the Rapture didn't happen. I have a few, "So um your still here?", "I know why I am here, What did you do?", "I am catching the next Rapture", oh the possibilities are endless and really I am sure to come up with more hehehe.
I leave you all with good wishes and good luck!

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Hi Mean Mom

Ah the sweetest words EVER! So here is the latest run down on my Lil man situation. First he is often the sweetest little thing alive but as of late he has tried his hand at teasing the sisters, and we all know that is like playing with piranhas its just going to end up in pieces!

So after repeatedly kicking his sister's stool while she repeatedly told him not too, and then for good measure he decided to inform her that she was also "A whiny baby" you can just imagine the outcome. It was a good thing for him that he messed with Rori rather than Aubry because she would of had him in a headlock and demanding an apology! Instead he just made Rori cry much to my chagrin and landed himself in time out in his room.

That was my first mistake, I forgot the cardinal rule of parenting my children and that is to NEVER give them time to think/plot/organize against you! I know , I know, total rookie mistake but come on I was doing laundry, making dinner, listening to three girls talk to me and don't even act like you could have attacked the situation better! I mean pre-dinner after school/work time is like a war zone equipped with school home work, permission slips, middle school girl/boy drama, its like having a reality show minus the cameras!

Now when dinner was ready I sent one of the girls to go and get the wee man from his prison (ya prison with Lego's sooooo hardcore!) When he came up the stairs you could tell that well he had been thinking for awhile! Because he comes up those stairs looks me dead in the eyes and says "Hi, Mean Mom" now I will not lie I was caught off guard but by the reaction from my oldest daughter I asked him "What did you say?" and well being my child he said with complete enunciation so that in case I was having to rely on reading lips I would be able to understand "Hi, Mean Mom" OK now there are those moments in parenting that well there is a full on Mommy Dearest slip that occurs and well you just better hope that we are out of Comet and Wire Hangers! I looked at him and informed him that I was not the mean one and that due to his actions as well as his comment he was going to be timed for eating his dinner and that he best get a move on because when that big hand hit the 4 he was going to be off to his room like a prisoner in lock down for the evening!

Was I mad not so much as impressed with the fact that he is now starting to really think and plan out his actions, and to be very honest his honesty even though I know he knew he was not being nice was well commendable. Ah but alas when you are the mama and you don't want your child to become a  little thuglet when he is older you must remind him swiftly and surely that you are the boss, demand respect, and that well all actions have a reaction.

All that being said I will say that the reaction from his sisters was CLASSIC! The oldest well she stated she was sure he was going to be taken down and thought that she should stand by in order to assist in clean up. The middle child aka the brain of all devious plots instantly looked at him when he sat next to her at the table and was like "So how do you think that went? Not so smart to mess with mommy is it now!", but best of all was Rori ah the wise Rori he sat down she looked at him and was like "You better eat fast cause you are sooooo in trouble!"

I also liked the little when I was grounded for being mean to mom tales that they passed and reminisced about while eating dinner. I mean heck from the tales those girls told of toys being taken, chores being added, and long long hours spent sitting in ones room you could have swore they had spent some hard time in the pen. Now all I can say is this he apologized, we are besti's again but I doubt he will be thinking he is everly so clever the next time he gets in trouble.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Envy of the 13 year-old Confidence/Insanity

Man I wish I could have that confidence!

Now there are those days that you will look at your children and well wonder if there is a missing link! Here is why. I am the biggest fan of my oldest daughter but there are days when I still sit there and am well more than a little shocked and amazed by the fact that she has  NO FEAR when it comes to public humiliation!

I don't know about you but at 13 in the seventh grade it would well have been social suicide to go to school sporting a Blow fish costume for Halloween! But do you think that this was even a concern of hers? Heck No! She went right ahead with her plan and even recruited her Dad into this plan. What was scary is the fact that the two of them thought that this was basically the best idea ever! I sat there in shock while they constructed this costume out of metal coat hangers, paper, spray glue, and more man hours than I could or would ever dedicate to a costume.

What was even funnier is the fact that she was soooooo excited! She had arranged not only how she was going to commute to and from school as well as to and from class in this sweet get up. But what other girl do you know looks at the blow fish costume as the most epic fashion statement of the year?

So it really is funny that the fact of her tiara sporting, converse sneakers to her knees, and wait for it turned in an Army Ammo carry case into a lunch box and painted flying ponies and rainbows on the side antics are still surprising and shocking to me! She will entertain you to the end and the fact that she has a sense of humor of a 35 year old just adds to the fun! So here is a little wish for all of us on those days that we look in the mirror and wish we were skinnier, prettier, had better hair, better figure, and even better life, lets instead wish for that unscathed and undestroyed confidence of a girl with the self esteem of a Super Star!

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Dinner with ease and NO Pea's Please!

Now as many mommy's discover there is that phase in our little one's life that for some reason they become picky eater's and you find yourself becoming a short order cook in your kitchen just to avoid the cataclysmic tantrum that will ensue if lord forbid the wrong item ends up on their plate.

Don't sit there and tell me that your child ALWAYS eats what you serve, because hello I would always clean my plate too if you offered me only my favorite foods too. I have been there in the kitchen during a day from Haiti and trying to make sure the youngest daughter had her plate which holds foods separate from each other so that they don't mingle, the oldest had a completely vegetarian dinner, and that the middle daughter didn't by chance spot the fact that I had slipped pureed cauliflower into her mashed potato's. You may laugh but if you have ever had to break up a riot over cauliflower on a child's plate you TOTALLY get were I am coming  from! I mean ladies here I was the Boss (bahahahaha) and yet I had always bragged about how my children always ate everything on their plates while friends would tell me about the stubborn Lil 5 year old who had a full on standoff at the dinner table with them over peas on their plate!

It was at the moment that my assembly line had began on preparing their dinner I realized that there needs to be a change in the way things are done in my Lil kitchen. I hate to break their Lil hearts but if you ever endure a lunch with a picky eating adult you will understand how terrible and almost rude it comes across. I mean salad dressing on the side is one thing, but refusing to eat anything new is not OK for anyone.

Now I am not saying that the transition was easy and painless I mean to be completely honest I would have rather been attacked by a mountain lion that first week. It was really a scene from the Twilight Zone the first meal that they all sat down to and discovered that they all had the same food, and that no mommy had not supplied the mac and cheese with a hotdog cut like an octopus please on their plate. (ya guilty I have done that) At first they looked at the plate as if it was a mythical creature that may very well attack them, then it began. Miss Rori proclaimed "Um so you know I don't like mushroom's right?", which was followed by Miss Aubry "K so I don't eat things that look like this" (pointing at shepherds pie) and my favorite of all was when the oldest stated "OK so you want us to eat so we can grow right? " Ah it had begun and in all reality OJ would have been set if he had my daughter's for his lawyers because those girls are the most convincing and manipulating Lil gems out there!

We then of course moved to crying, refusing to eat, and full on "Fine I will just DIE! Since you won't let me eat what I like!" This was wonderful and a HUGE boost on the mommy self-esteem train. I swear to you I called my besti Shelly and was in tears and fighting the urge to go in the kitchen and make them what they wanted by the 4th day of the dinner stand off. She of course having been there and done that informed me they would survive, and not to worry.

And I will tell you it was on the 5th day that I wanted to cave just to have peace at our dinner table! It was another rousing I never liked it or you dinner, were I might add I did not hand them arsenic dusted doughnuts! It was just chicken fettuccine, Caesar salad, and french bread! I mean you could have sworn that I was trying to get them to eat snails! From the gagging, tear shedding, my life is ending, you child abusing monster accusations that flew at that meal well they were enough to tear down the wall of china not to mention my will power!

So being the nice and I am so sorry I ever hurt your life source mommy I am I made them up their favorite sandwich's just the way they liked and was marching to the oldest bedroom were they had gathered I was sure to discuss the take down of mom and her evil ways. It was when I reached the closed door that I heard giggling and what sounded like a gay ol time. Here I thought they would be crying and complaining over the lack of food in their stomachs. But no instead I hear Aubry say "Here do you want the rainbow goldfish or the Parmesan?" Then I hear the oldest say "Cheese stick? I have M&M's for dessert too!"

Shut the front door! These little mites had began their full on recon mission to debunk the food rules with the wittingly use of snack foods! I mean seriously who does that? So when I opened the door I was shocked to see the mini picnic that they had assembled on the floor! They were not going to bed hungry! Hell to the no! They had enough snack foods to feed a Tibetan village and here I had lost 4 nights of sleep thinking that they had been sent to bed with out dinner!

It is moments like these folks that you either give them credit silently of course for their ingenious ways, or you get all sorts of mad because they have undermined you, and used your snack pantry to do so! Now of course I had to have a little time to breathe and well post their evil little booty's on eBay and craigslist, so I took a mommy time out.

After recovering from the dinner slash we own your booty situation I had a full on mean mommy discussion with them on the reasons that they needed to eat what they were given and not argue this due to the fact there are starving children on Mar's that would kill for the home cooked meals I make. This of course worked a little but to be honest there are still nights that Rori will be served chili and she will kindly remind me she isn't a fan of beans, or Lil man will tell me he never liked soup and will die or be sick if forced to eat it with the dramatic fall to the floor and tongue out of the mouth display by the dinner table.

But ladies be strong! My children are not abused due to having to eat things they are not particularly fond of and they have in time come to love foods that they didn't in the past. We as mother's need to also take this stand to keep our sanity as well as our position of disciplinarian, mother, and caregiver in their eyes. I am not saying go all Mommy Dearest on them with a raw steak and such, but make sure that they understand that the more you try new foods, it opens up more foods that you can eat and enjoy!

Friday, May 13, 2011

getting raised by my babies: Real Housewives My Booty!

getting raised by my babies: Real Housewives My Booty!

Real Housewives My Booty!

Ah the fun of television. It has come to the point that reality shows are the only thing on, unless you want to watch one of the 50 crime shows. Ah the selection! Not to mention the reality Housewives are well too much for words!

You see I am in a little town and I often joke that there is a need for a reality show just due to the total hilariousness of rumors, and drama. But the ladies on these reality shows are hysterical! From ghetto brawls in the country clubs, and tour bus throw downs, you also get to watch the best couple wars since War of Roses! I mean if you are dysfunctional, have a tan like an oompa loompa, and more plastic parts than a VW you are sooooo ready to go into National Syndication! Not to mention throw in an addiction, feud, or divorce and you are going to get book offers, and asked to go to red carpet events! I love the fact that they are actually serious about themselves on the reunion shows! They cry, they act concerned, and all sorts of so called normal.

Here is the deal-i-oso, I soooooo need a reality show! I mean heck, the kids I am actually raising have personalities, the people I know in my Lil town are so flipping hysterical to watch in action that we could simply go to the local main street sit on a bench and the entertainment would quickly follow. Not to mention throw in the "New Girl In Town Factor" and let me just say there is very little that hasn't been stated as gospel truth about me by complete strangers, and don't forget the fact that I have some of the best friends in the world that chill and laugh at the cable reality show situation with me. I mean folks this could be the new trend people actually watching real people minus the facade of reality and actually watching families that work, wipe their kids noses, and have days were they could actually loose their ever livin mind if they have to fold any more laundry!

I mean heck we may not make it big and TLC and Dancing With The Stars may not call but it would crack me up to watch a REAL family on T.V.! Not to mention it would be great to see if there are other mothers who come home to kids pushing their siblings down the stairs in a laundry basket and justifying it by having a helmet on the one in the basket, or heck going through phases with their children only wanting to eat only ORANGE colored foods, and drinks! I mean heck throw in the mother's ninja like ability to play Tetras with the 40 loads of laundry in the laundry room and I will make sure I have a diet something and popcorn to watch that kind of action!

Monday, May 9, 2011

Adventure's in WalHell

Oh ladies, ladies, ladies, how do I explain the fact that I ADORE Shopping but would rather amputate my own arm rather than go to WalHell Shopping? I like the things that they offer don't get me wrong but to be perfectly honest what I am not a fan of is the fact that they have 3 stages of People Encounters that well I for one could live without!

You are all aware of these: 1) Class Reunion Encounter 2) Ex Factor Encounter 3) Crazy Sideshow Act Encounter. These are the top three that I ALWAYS have when going to do my shopping, and I will be honest I refuse to enter into the shopping experience unless my hair, outfit, and such is all in order! Sounds crazy, this may be true but once you go into the vortex of WalHell with just a pony tail, running shorts, and a wife beater on and I SWEAR you will run into ALL 3 Encounters and quite frankly I like y'all y'all too much to submit you to that kind of trauma.(I know , I know, I am a giver!)

So it was on one of these trips to the abyss that me and my guy and Lil man took to WalHell that well to be frank was the epitome of welcome to crazyville! I swear to you there have yet to be this many crazy people in view since the last carnival that came through town! It was beyond nuts! From a man flinging bread in the bread aisle towards his caregiver (bless this woman folks! she had patience of a saint) , to the fact that when my Lil guy saw this he was like "Light bulb" and I swear to you he turned around grabbed the wheat bread and threw it like a football! What cracked me up was that the man that was doing this as well actually looked at my little guy like he had lost his ever livin mind! I mean Hello! Seriously? It was after I informed my Lil guy while picking up the loaf of bread off the floor, and grabbing the box of cereal that he was wielding that if he chose to throw one more item he was going to be ebayed! My son looked me straight in the eyes and stated "Well he gets to do it!" Like really Lil man you are everly soooo much smarter than that! I mean hello when has the "But Mom everyone else is doing it" ever worked?

Now I know you are all rolling at this point and to tell the truth I had to stifle my own laugh when the boy grabbed the box of cereal,  I mean heck at least that shows ingenuity!  So you would think that after what can only be described as helter skelter in the bread aisle you would think that this would be the end of the torture but alas folks you forget were it is we are WalHell! If you can name the spectacle I can probably give you the number of the aisle or at the very least a run down on the clothes they had on!

From bread throwing, to yogurt tantrums, flying bags of chips check, tantrum over not getting cheese which results in throwing shoes check, right down the the crazy photo shoot for mama at the photo place while the children are screaming and very unhappy at mama getting her Top Model on, right down to the checker that I swear in the time it took to check me out informed me of medical issues, a locker thief, her favorite medications, and her days off! Folks I was at my breaking point! It was the closest I have come in a long time to using the mean mommy voice on complete strangers, and opting for a drinking lunch ! I mean come on people I kid you not it was like a episode of the Twilight Zone mixed with a sprinkling of Tales From the Crypt! I swear if the creepy puppet from Tales From the Crypt appeared I would have shook his hand and asked if he saw the sale on berries!

So to those that enjoy shopping first let me ask what do you take before you go? And can I have some? Because at this point I get full body shivers at the idea of having to re offend this ordeal and truly am thinking that there is a definite need for grocery home delivery in my Lil mountain town!

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Can Not Go Wrong With Good Peep's In Your Corner!

Oh folks there are those day's that I find myself sitting in the morning with my coffee and feel so blessed for all that has come from one of the hardest moments of my life. I entered into my marriage young which is NO excuse, but I must also say I don't regret a single moment or choice in my past. What? It's true, with out the choices that I made I never would have ended up here.

You see I love my lil life, to say it was easy to start over at 30 and having literally only the clothes on my back, my four babies, and no plan I must say I did pretty dang good! Its funny to me when talking with my close girlfriends to think back on all we have done. I remember thinking for years that I wouldn't know what I would do if I was ever left alone with four small children and well as it turns out I would do just dandy thank you very much!

I have finally found me, I have finally taken charge of my own path, and I have found strength that I truly never knew existed. Why am I on this topic? Well you see I had to laugh at a recent convo about my lil life I had with a good friend. Here she was telling me how super I am (we never object to that) but she was also using words such as Survivor, Resilient, Hotter than Victoria Secret's model ( ok, ok, maybe not the VS model) but she was using words to describe me that I really never even thought of.

Which got this girl a thinking. Why is it when you are in a situation be it good or bad we often sell ourselves short? I am a Cancer survivor 4 years in remission thank you, and yet I never well take that as a victory. Why? Well I count my 4 babies as a bigger accomplishment over beating stage 3 Cancer. I count my blessings yes, and I don't dwell on the bad rather I take the hurdle and move on.  It is comical to me now some of the things that happen during my cancer tho.

For example I am one who jokes when I am hurt, hurting, or being tortured by needle wielding nurses. One incident that sticks out to me is when I was being airlifted to Billings due to complications caused by cancer and the pregnancy with my last lil guy. And they put me in the ambulance and I notice that the EMT who was helping transport me had a MULLET !!!! Oh the excitement that this brought to me, and ladies he not only had the whole business up front but he had gel in the back! Oh the fun I had! You see I hurt like hell but to distract myself from the poking and prodding that was going on to me. It was good for him, I made Aqua Net jokes, thanked him for hanging on to the 80's with such zealous and gave him a nod even for the resemblance he had to Bon Jovi.

You see it is my firm belief that when you are down, just Pollyanna the hell out of the situation and all will be right in the Land of La! Not to mention always surround yourself with true friends, and family. Also give yourself a shout out any time you over come an obstacle.