Thursday, April 28, 2011

Say What?

OH we have a very funny little moment as mothers, all of us well at least all of us that are willing to admit it . (insert wink) You see all of us have that moment in the beginning of motherhood that as well can only be described as sheer panic, shock, and to be perfectly honest horror.

Now don't tell me oh it was the most Phenomenal moment of my life when they handed me that perfect little pink faced bundle o' joy. Because ladies first I have had my share of newborns and lets just say it as it is. First they are not all precious at birth (my first had a black eye due to my pelvic bone, my second closely resembled an orangutan, the third was perfect due to her baking longer than the other two, and well the lil guy could have been born a cone head I still would have oohed and ahhhhed over him) Now I say this with love but also with honesty. They all scared the tar out of me! Why? Why? Well because news flash its not like you just got a new pair of shoes! You my dear have just been handed a LIFE. I don't care how well planned or prepared you thought you were, because the moment that they hand you that lil being in all their unbelievably , over powering amazement you are not ready.

I am not talking about having the house, the nursery, the car seat, the right blankets , and going home accessories. I mean if that was all we mother's had to worry about hell to the ya I would be like, "Oh it was the most Phenomenal Moment Ever!".  Lets be honest, they have entrusted you with this little being and might I add you got that little bundle without having to do any paper work, test, or even applying for a permit. I mean ladies we do more to get our driver's licenses!

It is at the moment that I was handed my little one's that I was Scared to Death. I won't sugar coat this, it was the most frightening thing that I have had, and still have to contend with daily. You see to take the Little Tike enjoyment train and say that those first weeks, months, and years of parenting are so fabulous, and without doubt, fear, and anxiety , well I say first "Where is the Kool Aide you are drinking" and "Do they deliver?"

Why are you so negative? Negative? Negitory on that one Ghost Rider, realistic and aware Guilty. Here is why. You see I will be honest. I well in real honest get to know you like Barbara Walter's on 20/20 sort of way, had a less than positive childhood. To say neglect, abuse, and abandonment happen yes. To say I was close to my mother no (unless you count knowing all of her personal problems, fights with family, step dad, and money problems etc). Now this is why you may say that I was so scared of being a mother, and well you would be half right. The other half is this. I am not perfect. There I said it! Nope I am not perfect, I don't always have the right answer, I don't know Everything, and well heck there are certain things that I should not be in control of. I mean it felt like I was back in PE and waiting to be killed by the hurling dodge ball!

So to say I took to being a mother with grace not so much. I knew what she needed , and the basics of how to care for her but to be a good mother frightened me. You see we all have been around those friends whose mothers were the BEST. You know those mother's, they are on all the right committee's, their hair is always fixed, make up perfect, their children are perfect and so are their homes. And well to be quite honest at 19 with my first that was scarier than a raccoon on a rampage with rabies in your kitchen!

And what was worse was the other mother's who gave that advice! I mean really? I can not even tell you how many times I heard from women that they just Loved to Iron! (Who loves to iron? its like Chinese water torture!) Or the ones who just couldn't think of not having little Janie not having fresh organic homemade baby food! Here is the deal-i-oso , first we say crap like that because it makes us feel like the forty five minutes of peeling, cooking, and pureeing our baby's carrots for them to spit out on the tray and instead opt for the dang cheerios COUNT! I have done it all from the organic make my own baby food, to the staying up and baking, frosting, decorating, and individually packaging cupcakes with flipping curling ribbon for a Valentines day full of 3 school parties! You know what I envied the mom who said screw it and bought M&M's!

It is through the stage of the first 5 years of mommy initiation that we discover there are only 3 things that really matter. 1- They know they are LOVED 2-They can depend on YOU 3- You will ALWAYS be THERE. That is IT. I know, I know grab your coffee , sit down, and BREATHE! Ladies the hard facts are just those three little items. You see if you look back as a child you will always remember the bad first, the good second, and the damn cup cakes in pink baggies don't even come up. Why? Because we are all human, and once you realize that being a mommy though with its bouts of Martha Stewart I can do it better moments, is just those 3 things you will be a REAL MOMMY.

Beave home. That last one is HARD! Girls its like dealing with Jenny Craig on your shoulder heckling you with that sequins donning Richard Simmons screaming to Sweat to the Oldies! But it can be done. You see I have perfected the escape hatch (aka bathroom) , when my little darlings have done something that has me searching for a Comet Can like Joan Crawford I go to the bathroom lock myself in, and don't leave til I can see straight, am not breathing like I ran a marathon, and don't have the urge to yell. My children bless their lil hearts recognize this maneuver  and know that it is for the best for all involved especially for the one to two children that have sent me there.

I tried self help books, self healing books, and the you are OK books. Truth be told I could open up a library with the books I bought for parenting. But all I ever found were unrealistic techniques, and to be honest they were often boring, not for real mother's in the trench's with two toddlers , a child genius and two dogs, and a uninvolved spouse. They were for the cornucopia utopia families that were all perfect, did perfect things, and had children who I swear were aliens! I mean really what do you do when the oldest grows mold in your purse in her closet, the second child cuts the youngest hair into a bonafide redneck mullet, and the big dog chews up the porch swing, while the little dog uses your house plants like fire hydrants? And ya they do it all in the same day, while you are supposed to be braiding their hair while they sing church hymns and you prepare home cooked meals, do your hair, makeup , and get dressed! I mean girls there are three years in which I remember literally finding cheerios in my hair on a daily basis, and the only adult convo I had was when I bought coffee!

To give a mother unrealistic just go to your happy place techniques is not going to work. I mean honey it was a good day if everyone was in one piece by dinner, I had a ponytail, and got to change my shirt! That is why after trying to wade through the perfect mother stigmas that so many of us have been given I decided that I was just going to parent by doing the complete opposite of my own mother, keep sanity by remembering these lil ones were not even close to the same, and using more sarcastic puns then you will hear from Chelsea Lately!  Plus heck if I was going to be a mommy I was going to do it my way and well be me. I can't pretend I have it all together all the time and why should I? I mean heck the last thing you need as a mom on top of all the other responsibility's you have, is to have to act too! Hello we are not getting paid for this gig and quite frankly why torture yourself?

So in saying this remember mommy's of the world you are not alone! We are all there with you, and heck if it makes you feel better read my fun tales of children of the crypt and hug your own little darlings!